But after all, maybe not……

So here I am, again. In the same old state that I have always been at the end of every semester exam. Filled with that feeling that I could have done much better. But this time there is something more to the story. It’s not just the guilt I hold about not putting in the required efforts. This time it is something more fundamental. It was something that I had assumed and taken for granted as part of me. But only to be proved wrong this time around.

Ever since I was able to think for myself, I have always been proud and happy about my grasping power and my intelligence. When I was a kid, there was nobody who could beat me in academics. I was the topper all the way. And as I grew up, I don’t know where things slipped out of my hands, but I began to witness my own decline into obscurity. I began to be just a shadow of the genius that I was. That brilliance, that zeal in me, slowly began to desert me. And I was left staring and gasping at all the horrid results that have gone my way ever since. There have been some opportunities for me to start all over again. But then I blew them all. Absolutely no enthusiasm in working for what would give me some success in whatever I was doing. I had no identity anywhere I went. I tried a few new things so I could start anew. But same old story. Things just seemed to end up in the drain.

And all the time I have spent days together introspecting and trying to find an answer to why all this was happening. And everytime I analyzed the things that had gone against me, I always ended up with the same inference. Mea Culpa. It was my own fault. There was no other explanation that could satisfy and explain all my failures for such a long time. My lack of discipline and my laziness to work had taken toll over all my success. My unwillingness to be regular had cost me dear on more than one crucial occasion. The mind control that I possessed, or to be more precise, the lack of it had dealt a fatal blow everytime I thought that I could somehow ‘pull it off’. Procrastination killed my spirit-every damn day of my life. And still here I am, still believing that I can pull it off from nowhere-just by my brilliance and intelligence!

And that was what I always hung on to like a life saver. I always believed that it was only the lack of my effort into studies that cost me all this. And that “if I studied”, I would be way ahead of others. Why? Simply because I was far more intelligent than all the guys around me and that I “would have studied”. But that never ever materialized. Semesters came and went, exams came and went, tests came and went, free time came and went but during all that time, there I was- just convincing myself-“don’t worry…if you study, you will be able to understand it.” And that IF never became anything else. I never studied and I still believed that I deserved the better grades simply because I knew I was the only one who was actually interested in the subject and that all others were just doing it just for the sake of it. But I never bothered to work. And I got depressed everytime I got my grades. Why the hell was I complaining? I don’t study anything and I expect good grades! Now how does that make sense?

And so all this time I have been blaming nothing but myself for all the failures that have taken place. I never held anyone or anything responsible for me screwing up my stuff. And all this time I genuinely believed that I was still capable of it- if I worked that is. I have been hanging on to that belief for dear life. And like I was saying, the only difference this semester was that my belief was proved wrong.

And that has rendered me desperate. It had been my lifeline for all these years of struggle and misery. And now I don’t even have that now. All I have with me is this new realization that I am not someone special. That I am just like any other. Maybe above average, but nothing more. I may have all the genuine interest in the world and I may know how to exactly lead one’s life. But what I also know now, is that none of that will count if I don’t actually do something about it. That one identity that I was still hanging on to is now officially invalid. Losing that one identity pained so much that I have become numb to it. There is nothing more in this life. And all I got right now with me is that true interest in my studies. But of course, this is an interest without the ability. And until something happens that makes me realize that I am indeed capable, I guess I have to live just with the interest.

So all this time I thought I was capable of so big things. But after all, maybe not……

A Chat on LAN

Ok guys...this one here is something that took place last night. I switched on my computer and logged into the local sharing network. IT is called DC++.There are about 250 computer users interlinked with this network. And there is this chat window where anyone can interact with the others. And as soon as I logged in, there was this small chat that was going on among 2-3 guys. And soon I found that it was quite humorous and interesting. The following is the text of that chat. But i have to warn you that it turned very explicit and indecent in the process. SO if you feel offended then please dont read ahead. By the way, please dont frame any opinion about me with what you read below.

There were 6 guys-[Maladroit], [Anonymous],[Bo],[Cursor],[Necromancer] and [Silver]. [Shanky] joined in later in the end and made it really vulgar. So the chat session was wound up soon after. You will find a lot of F-words and other really horrible and very offensive stuff. So once again i warn you that you might not like it. Anyway, I dont really expect anyone to make any sense out of the following. But i had some of the best times during this chat. I almost died laughing. I will start with the chat already in progress as i was not able to get the entire chat. So here goes:-

[Cursor] Yeah. Maybe the space was just enough?

[Maladroit] what was the first word that cursor learnt to spell?-

[Anonymous] sadf....sadfsag....sagha;lhglhasgl;khs;lakhg.......

[N00B_Silver] Cursor to Mom: Click Click

[Anonymous] -

[Cursor] Okay, that would be the answer to your question, Maladroit.

[Cursor] XD

[Bo] i dunno...was it googoo gaga?

[Cursor] Heh.

[Cursor] I meant the sadf...

[Maladroit] cursor finally got it right-

[Maladroit] heh

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymous] cursors first word was [Cursor] Heh.

[Bo] anonymous sure has an identity crisis

[Anonymous] [Bo] anonymous sure has an identity crisis

[Anonymouse] Yeah, I'll say

[Bo] as i said...

[Cursor] Wohoo!!

[Bo] he proved tht

[Anonymouse] [Anonymous] [Bo] anonymous sure has an identity crisis

[Cursor] Super.

[Maladroit] what the F**** is that?-

[Anonymouse] lol

[Anonymous] [Anonymouse] heh

[Bo] silver,tht has to b u!

[Anonymouse] wrong spelling man

[Cursor] =O F word!

[Anonymouse] F*** not F****

[Cursor] *f-word*?

[Cursor] Shit.

[Anonymouse] betta

[Anonymous] [Anonymouse]wrong spelling man

[Bo] change bak to silver..the brightness is lost!!

[Cursor] Stop frigging censoring me!

[Anonymouse] *f-word*

[Bo] beep

[Cursor] Yeah. And bring on the underwear as well.

[Bo] the attack of the underwear clad morons led by captain underpants

[Cursor] How's f@ck?

[Bo] captain underwear with the pink underwear on top...superhero style

[Anonymouse] fack?

[Bo] duck?

[Anonymouse] eminem huh

[Anonymouse] *f-word*

[Anonymouse] sucker

[Anonymous] [Anonymouse] eminem heh

[Darklord] wat the *f-word*

[Anonymouse] Ah.... that works

[Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymouse] lol, lets overload the filter system

[Darklord] *f-word*

[Cursor] Yay!

[Anonymouse] *f-word*

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymouse] Noo.....

[Bo] hmmm...looks like the hub is alive and kicking!

[Darklord] fcukkkkkkkkkk

[Anonymous] [Anonymouse] Yes...Yessssssss.............Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..............

[Cursor] loss for words part!!-

[Bo] kcuf?

[Anonymouse] heh

[Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymous] kcuf?

[Cursor] x_X

[Bo] oh god,anonymous..ur slow as well

[Anonymous] X_x

[Maladroit] dont drink water fish fcuk there-

[Bo] aiyooo

[Anonymous] Yes

[Cursor] x_O?

[Cursor] Black eye.

[Cursor] XD

[Bo] whack on balls

[Anonymous] coz im heh ......hehhhhh.............heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh.................ing

[Cursor] Heh.

[Maladroit] is that ur fav pastime cursor?-

[Cursor] Three in 10 minutes! I commend you, Anonyous

[Maladroit] no i am not talking abt blinking-

[Anonymous] [Cursor] X_o?

[Cursor] Heh. Other than Hehing?

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Ill go to classes with anonymous

[Cursor] For free?

[Cursor] Wait. I want a claification made.

[Bo] okay

[Cursor] I'm NOT a keyboard , so I'm obviously not your type.

[Anonymous] [Cursor] No you have to pay me with what u get after the classes end hhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

[Cursor] Eh?

[Cursor] Gimme back my Heh!

[Maladroit] take that cursor-

[Anonymous] [Cursor] heh

[Anonymous] take it heh

[Cursor] Ugh.

[Maladroit] hey guys cursor "took" it!-

[Cursor] Yeah?

[Anonymous] [Cursor]u asked for it

[Maladroit] where is bo?-

[Cursor] Er.. Whadda?

[Anonymous] [bo]heh

[Bo] he's barelly alive

[Cursor] Good.

[Anonymous] [Bo] i like bare people

[Maladroit] is he bare or is he alive?-

[Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.

[Bo] he's not bare yet...he plans to take a bath later!

[Maladroit] let all know when u do that-

[Bo] he might bare his teeth tho!

[Bo] and y wud i mala?

[Maladroit] coz i am bored of seeing u alive-

[Silver] Well, if he's bare, he'll haveta die

[Bo] u r??

[Anonymous] [Bo] I wanna have a bath too and all the bathrooms are full except one...

[Bo] whou!!

[Bo] wow...anon...u use a lot of logic in life

[Cursor] Where's Silver? Taking too much time to change!

[Silver] lol, here i am

[Cursor] Aha.

[Silver] hub hates me

[Anonymous] [Bo] Is that a yes...

[Cursor] Heh.

[Maladroit] ur face value is increasing silver-

[Silver] I got already 2 spam warnings

[Bo] ah..i thot he had returned bak to normal state from excited state

[Silver] Ohk

[Silver] Fine.

[Bo] heh

[Silver] [Platinum] Fine

[Cursor] Ugh.

[Silver]

- [singla] SpamWarning 3: MainChat spam abuse

[Cursor] Heh.

[Cursor] Rofl.

[Cursor] I've never had that one..

[Maladroit] how the F*** do u do that?-

[Silver] lol, I insult the hub

[Anonymous] [Silver] [Platinum] [Diamond] Fine

[Silver] it gives me that

[Silver] Like, say "*f-word* the hub 5 times consecutively

[Silver] *f-word* the hub

[Silver] *f-word* the hub

[Maladroit] let me try that-

[Anonymous] [Silver] *f-word* the hub

[Anonymous] [Silver] *f-word* the hub

[Anonymous] [Silver] *f-word* the hub

[Silver] quickly man

[Anonymous] thats five

[Silver] lol

[Silver] [Anonymous] [Silver] *f-word* the hub

[Silver] [Anonymous] [Silver] *f-word* the hub

[Silver] [Anonymous] [Silver] *f-word* the hub

[Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.[Cursor] Heh.[Cursor] Heh.[Cursor] Heh.[Cursor] Heh.

[Cursor] Sahi.

[Bo] wot the f-word is the spam warning anyway?

[Silver] wtf

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Galat

[Cursor] Lol. It'll be programmed to kick our Hehers after December.

[Maladroit] i didnt get any spam warning-

[Cursor] Maaro!

[Bo] kill

[Cursor] Heh.

[Silver] lol, I told ya, the hub hates ME

[Cursor] Yeah. That too.

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Meri Maaro!

[Cursor] Heh.

[Silver] one sex

[Silver] *sec

[Silver] I show you pic

[Maladroit] hub f***in hates him-

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Maaro!

[Cursor] Rofl.

[Bo] cursor..does tht lan wire still luv u?

[Cursor] Oh yeah..

[Bo] u been singing with it??

[Maladroit] so where is it? is it part of u now?-

[Bo] man...poor roommate of urs

[Anonymous] [Bo] Plz teach me to love a lan wire

[Silver] lol, sing with it man

[Cursor] I've been training it to behave.

[Silver] similar to toilet training?

[Bo] [anonymous]i don't sing with the lan wire,i do other 'things'

[Anonymous] for the gb inmates

[Cursor] Right.

[Anonymous] they lack "dil***"

[Bo] ask it to SIT

[Cursor] Except that I skipped the roll over part.

[Bo] and then give a paw

[Silver] [Bo] ask it to SHIT

[grass] http://rapidshare.com/files/2862827/Comanche.4.part10.rar.html

[Bo] [silver]ask it to sing

[Silver] La la la

[Maladroit] who is grass?-

[grass] http://www.warezdownloads.info/ddlout.php?i=115674

[Silver] a guy eaten by cow?

[Bo] hmmm...he's cud to a cow

[Silver] heh, great minds think alike

[Bo] lol...

[Bo] maybe,he is on a higher plane than all of us

[Silver] grass: Sumthing which you eat, you will puke.

[Bo] the grass was greener

[Maladroit] ok i get the "hang " of it!-

[Anonymous] [Silver] grass: Sumthing which you smoke, you will enjoy.

[Silver] [Anonymous] [Silver] grass: Sumthing which you smoke, you will get destroyed

[Anonymous] [Bo] the grass IS greener

[Silver] on which side man?

[Maladroit] always on the other side-

[Bo] grasshopper: something which walks on grass

[Silver] hopper: sumthing that hops!

[Maladroit] it actually hops-didnt u know?-

[Bo] when it isn't hopping tht is

[Anonymous] [Silver] on the flipsyde?

[Maladroit] i thought it only hopped-

[Bo] obviously it walks when not hopping

[Silver] lol, its called grasswalker than?

[Anonymous] no i thought they were learning to fly

[Bo] or they ver comfortably numb

[Maladroit] no it will be called "grass-walk when not hop-er"-

[Bo] maybe they wished u ver ther

[Anonymous] if a grasshopper runs its called a grassblade runner

[Bo] tht was saaad

[Silver] Grassblade runner: A runner who sticks a blade of grass up his behind.

[Neeraj] YESSSAAAAAAAAAA BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

[Anonymous] [Cursor]Hey you

[Neeraj] IS THE

[Neeraj] RE A

[Bo] hmmm

[Neeraj] NY

[Silver] wazzzzup, the guy loves caps

[Neeraj] WHO ASHI?

[Maladroit] whats up with neeraj and his capitals?-

[Cursor] Hey you you.

[Silver] try hats on sumtimes as well.

[Neeraj] hey kewl

[Anonymous] [Neeraj] I am a master at "master******"

[Silver] lol

[Neeraj] eeeeeee

[Cursor] Ugh.

[Neeraj] who are these wierdos speakin wired stuff

[Bo] maybe some1 is torturing him

[Neeraj] uuuuuuu

[Bo] go save neeraj!

[Cursor] Rofl.

[Neeraj] give me the name

[Maladroit] ahoy!-

[Maladroit] here i come-

[Cursor] Anony! Do you job!

[Anonymous] neeraj im cuming

[Cursor] *your

[Cursor] Blink blink.

[Bo] [anonymous]have no fear,i'm here..

[Neeraj] ok anonymous stop usin the laptop underme

[Neeraj] i cant contorl

[Maladroit] lose control!-

[Neeraj] okkkkk

[Cursor] ContORl you should!

[Neeraj] sry anony

[Bo] hmmm...ask anonymous to control

[Neeraj] but ur cummed

[Anonymous] [Neeraj]Im the laptop and u are using me

[Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymous] I was Cummed

[Silver] Anonymous: control. See, asked.

[Neeraj] sad ass

[Bo] [neeraj]laptop is gay

[Cursor] How the?

[Anonymous] now im free for a second run

[Maladroit] control alt delete-

[Neeraj] [bo] , i like to copy fake stuff , coz im a fake dick

[Bo] cool..start running..i'll time u

[Silver] The hockey court is waiting

[Anonymous] [Neeraj]What is ur rate?

[Bo] [neeraj]i am a dick

[Cursor] [Anonymous] Ouch! Stop it Neeraj!

[Neeraj] [bo] i luv dick , but i want one

[Neeraj] lol k

[Maladroit] hey did u all forget that bo is getting bare soon?-

[Anonymous] [bo] u can have mine

[Neeraj] fine , do i know u guys?

[Cursor] Yeah! In two more hours, eh, Bo?

[Maladroit] does it matter?-

[Anonymous] [bo] mine is a fake but a reaal good one

[Maladroit] neeraj?-

[Neeraj] yea it does

[Bo] [anonymous]i'm gay

[Cursor] Heh.

[Silver] [bo] I know that becos?

[Neeraj] k,,, so all ur exams got over eh?

[Anonymous] [Bo] i'm gay too

[Bo] [bo]aliver told me he's gay with anon

[Neeraj] hey theres a dota server , guys join

[Bo] [bo]make tht silver

[Anonymous] [bo] so lets do it

[Silver] Cool, bo-gay man

[Bo] silver: the bright moron

[Anonymous] [Silver] Wanna cum tonight

[Anonymous] to nc

[Bo] [anonymous]yess

[Cursor] Heh.

[Silver] [Anonymous] [Silver] Wanna cum tonight, not with anon.

[Maladroit] cursor knows his art of interrupting-

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.........Heeeeeeeh.............Heeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........................

[Cursor] Rofl!

[Bo] does cursor go heh in class too?

[Maladroit] u dont wanna know-

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.

[Cursor] Skipped two classes.

[Bo] prof: wot r u doin? cursor : heh

[Silver] Prof: You know the answer cursor?

Cursor: heh....heh

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.

[Maladroit] rofl-

[Maladroit] how does that cursor laugh?-

[Silver] heh?

[Anonymous] [cursor]to get good marks did this to the prof Heh.........Heeeeeeeh.............Heeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........................

[Cursor] Heh.

[Silver] lol

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.

[Bo] when he's humping,he'd go...heh heh heh heh heh

[Cursor] Hahahah!

[Maladroit] how do u know bo]?-

[Anonymous] When he is cuming Heh.........Heeeeeeeh.............Heeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........................

[Maladroit] were u very close then?-

[Bo] it's called asumption boy

[Cursor] Ahem. -cough- -chokes--dies-

[Silver] now he's bare

[Cursor] Who's assumption boy?

[Anonymous] [cursot]heh

[Cursor] Ack!!

[Bo] [cursor]i'm a dimwit

[Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.

[Maladroit] hey cursor u rock man-

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.

[Bo] rock??

[Silver] ROFLCOPTER

[Cursor] Woah. Whaa??

[Maladroit] oops sorry-

[Maladroit] cursor u heh man-

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Im so horny ....I wanna heh

[Cursor] Ah, better.

[Silver] roflcar

[Bo] doesn't any1 have exams tomm?

[Cursor] Gah. That's picked up as well?

[Cursor] Yup. I do.

[Silver] congrats

[Cursor] Strength of Materials.

[Anonymous] [Cursor]

[Cursor] Yay!

[Silver] Hattricks on u

[Cursor] Thanks.

[Bo] and the prize goes to

[Bo] ....

[Anonymous] [Cursor] heh

[Silver] lol, the strength of mech paper

[Cursor] I'd like to thank Anony for the great Heh.........Heeeeeeeh.............Heeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........................

[Silver] What is the strength of iron: heh

Does still bend: heh

Do I know the correct answer: heh

Name: heh

[Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymous] [Bo] when i become angry 'red' i get 'Bo-red'

[Cursor] Lamo.

[Cursor] *Lmao. Gah.

[Bo] sad joke

[Cursor] Oh.. joke? Where? Where?

[Silver] gawk.

[Bo] behind u

[Cursor] Heh.

[Cursor] w00t!

[Silver] [Cursor] Heh.

[Cursor] And again.. and again.. :-@

[Cursor] =@ Aha.

[Bo] [cursor]i can't find him...i think joke ran away

[Anonymous] [Silver] [Cursor] Heh.

[Maladroit] i got dc-

[Cursor] Good to know. They somehow behave that way when I'm around.

[Cursor] Welcome back!

[Maladroit] than u than u-

[Anonymous] [Maladroit] heh

[Maladroit] wtf happened to my k?-

[Anonymous] k?

[Silver] its after the j

[Cursor] Anony's been messing you you K.

[Cursor] *with your.

[Anonymous] [Cursor] heh

[Cursor] X_X

[Bo] okay guys...i better b goin...i gotta study a bit...

[Anonymous] x_x

[Cursor] Noooooooo!

[Bo] cya all at nite...we can close the hub with sad jokes

[Maladroit] hey bo reveal thyself and leave-

[Silver] noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[Anonymous] [Cursor] x_x

[Bo] and make it memorable!!

[Cursor] Last day for the hub, Bo!

[Maladroit] -

[Silver] Bo studies, oh.......

[Silver] For what man

[Bo] ya..bo is a nerd

[Cursor] Happy holidays.

[Maladroit] a hairy nerd-

[Silver] The papers so easy that you actually haveta study to fail.

[Silver] ?

[Anonymous] Bo-seDK

[Cursor] Eh? Wha?? @ Anony.

[Bo] hehe...not tomorrow's exam...i wanna get up for lunch tomm

[Anonymous] [Anonymous] Bo-seDK

[Cursor] Heh.

[Bo] heh...

[Maladroit] reveal thyself bo-

[Bo] okay all...miss you all..b gud in the hols!!

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Heh.

- [Bo] heh.

[Maladroit] see u at palace grounds-

[Cursor] See you then, Bo.

[Maladroit] in front of deep purple-

[Bo] [anonymous]i'll surely b happy and gay

[Cursor] Yup. Me too.

[Silver] adios and happy holidays

[Bo] yup..cya at palace grounds...lemme kno if u get passes maladoit

[Maladroit] i guess i have to pass tomo-

[Anonymous] Anyone wanna spend the entire nite exercising plz contact me at the gay bar

[Bo] heh!

[Silver] lol

[Cursor] Is it a treat?

[Bo] u have a gym there?

[Silver] highly specific in nature

[Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymous] Yep one that u wont forget

[Cursor] Sure. Bo is UP for it.

[Bo] for water sports and high impact sports only

[Anonymous] Ill show u what a pain in the ass i am quite literally

[Bo] haha...

[Cursor] He's all yours.

[Silver] boom.

[Bo] i'm not...bo is straight!!

[Maladroit] bo is stratight?-

[Cursor] But anony is not!

[Bo] cursor can blink away all night without stopping

[Maladroit] so when is he getting bare?-

[Cursor] Rofl!

[Silver] [Bo] i'm not...bo is gay!!!!!

[Anonymous] [Bo] im coming 'straight 'to you sorry 'gay 'to you

[Bo] maladoit...ur gay too

[Cursor] False claims!

[Bo] anonymous...meet galadoit...he's gay

[Silver] any lesbos from gb around?

[Cursor] Rofl.

[Silver] need cure need cure

[Maladroit] hey they dont help our cause

[Anonymous] [Im ] BI

[Bo] haha...

[Maladroit] lesbos dont serve our needs-

[Bo] donate to the sperm bank for a productive cause

[Cursor] Right.

[Anonymous] reproductive cause

[Cursor] Right.

[Maladroit] heh-

[Bo] thtz wot production is about

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Right.heh

[Silver] Cause: Give a mini bo?

[Silver] heh

[Maladroit] what is the best thing i like abt babies?-

[Cursor] ...

[Anonymous] [Cursor]heh

[Silver] underage porn? sicko..

[Cursor] Small dicks?

[Bo] if mini bo is fat,the process will b called mass production

[Cursor] x_X

[Anonymous] tight cunts

[Cursor] Gah. You're cruel!!

[Maladroit] god damn it!-

[Anonymous] [Cursor] X_x

[Cursor] Its not your nature to go for cunts, Anony!

[Anonymous] also cute nipples

[Maladroit] is bo around?-

[Anonymous] right im talking about boys

[Cursor] Heh. Answer please, Maladroit.

[Silver] lol, BO! Bo? guy? huh, HE is gay. Not she is gay

[Bo] i have learnt a lot frm anon

[Maladroit] the best thing i like abt babies:-

[Maladroit] making them!-

[Silver] rofl

[Bo] u make babies with wot??clay?

[Cursor] Heh.

[Anonymous] im the master of every 'thing'

[Cursor] Great.

[Bo] ur a master of silver too??it's a thing

[Maladroit] let ur imagination run wild-

[Anonymous] [Cursor]not Great. loooooong

[Silver] ah..... lustre is inprisonable

[Cursor] Aha.

[Bo] hehe...okay all...i shall b off...!!

[Bo] adios...

[Anonymous] nope master of 'batter'

[Silver] Adios bare bo.

[Maladroit] bo off-

[Cursor] See you!

[Cursor] Ta.

[Maladroit] good sleep man-

[Bo] and plz kick biswas a little extra..courtesy Bo

[Anonymous] let me see u bare Bo

[Cursor] Right.

[Bo] i'll b bak at 1!!

[Maladroit] reveal thyself b4 leaving bo-

[Cursor] Back at 1?

[Bo] balls..

[Silver] Ah.... back at 1

[Cursor] Good.

[Silver] Cool, let ppl download their porn till then I guess

[Cursor] Reveal the balls later,

[Anonymous] Bo has to do something with balls

[Bo] i'll inaugrate the new year's hub with my name

[Bo] ya..i play football...on the football field with a ball

[Silver] Bo's hub..... imagination

[Silver] Users: gay 1

Gay 2

[Anonymous] new hub Bo balls

[Cursor] Gah. 1 = Jan 1?

[Silver] etc etc

[Anonymous] And MasterBatter

[Bo] silver's hub...

[Bo] scary gurl 1

[Bo] lesbo fat gurl 2

[Cursor] Heh.

[Silver] COOOL

[Anonymous] underage girl 1

[Cursor] Heh.

[Bo] gurl 3..wait...i mean 75%gurl

[Anonymous] underage gay boy 1

[Silver] NO....

[Silver] thats for anon only

[Cursor] Yup.

[Bo] hehe...u can share with him silver

[Cursor] Second that,

[Cursor] Heh.

[Silver] we'll call the girl pulsor

[Anonymous] thanx guys to let it for me only

[Bo] friends share

[Maladroit] i will videotape it all-

[Cursor] Ugh.

[Bo] ewwww

[Cursor] Pulsor who?

[scorpio] mvcmb

[Silver] Definately male

[Bo] adios!!

[Silver] adiosway

[Silver] no 3

[Cursor] See you!

[Anonymous] ill share the gay underage boy 1 on dc++

[Maladroit] cya bo-

[Cursor] No. 3 is right.

[Cursor] -silence0

[Cursor] -

[Cursor] -more silence0

[Silver] Slient_Force?

[Cursor] Gah.

[Cursor] Where?

[Cursor] Blink.

[Anonymous] cum back on dc++ to meet the underage boy 1 later next sem

[Silver] he's stash's reduced like crazy. 50 GB only?

[Cursor] Who does he think he is to do that??

[Silver] heh

[Anonymous] Silent+Force

[Silver] Porn freak doesnt cheat us all tho

[Anonymous] [Cursor] Great.

[Maladroit] porn freak also has cheated us-

[Silver] what!!

[Zealot] 4400 3rd season ne1?

[Maladroit] there is no porn in his porn collection-

[Silver] I have most porn then

[Silver] shit

[Anonymous] Does porn freak have underage gay boy porn

[Silver] actually, he did have underage alot

[Silver] kinda made me sick.

[Anonymous] c ya guys i dont want a hattrick

[Anonymous] bye

[Silver] adios

[Anonymous] Screw you guys im going home

[Cursor] Heh.

[Cursor] Screw well.

[Maladroit] guess what?-

[Anonymous] OR Screw you gays im going home

[Maladroit] i got some shocker of a news b4 i leave-

[Anonymous] OR Screw you gays im going to hump you

[Cursor] What news?

[Anonymous] news wagon

[Maladroit] that anonymous and maladroit are roomies!-

[Silver] heh... cool

[Anonymous] we are mates

[Silver] I believe talking was popular as well.

[Maladroit] where is cursor?-

[Silver] hehhinng...?

[Anonymous] he is blinking

[Cursor] Phone call.

[Silver] [Cursor] Blink, heh. Blink, heh

[Maladroit] dude u even talk?-

[Anonymous] he is with me in b/w heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh

[Silver] w....o......r......d

[shanky] *************

[Silver] lol

[SKD] hehe.....n1 ma8

[Silver] shanky

[Silver] yo, neighbour

[Zealot] is it 18 or 411]]

[Zealot] ?

[Maladroit] 18

[Zealot] k

[SKD] den whts da 411 fur

[shanky] **************************

[Maladroit] hey shanky u make me sick-

[Anonymous] **************************

[Silver] lol, pass to anon

[Silver] lol.

[Anonymous] thahx silver

[Silver] heh...

[Silver] soz

[Anonymous] [Silver] heh...

[shanky] maladroit u wastage go *f-word* the dogs outside

[Silver] thank god for the filter

[Anonymous] i want the dogs too

[Silver] my my

[Maladroit] dude the dogs have enough company-

[Maladroit] i counted 7 dogs and 6 bitches last night-

[Silver] shanky was the last bitch

[Anonymous] and i satisfied them all

[Anonymous] with food

[Maladroit] ya i remember seeing him-

[Maladroit] guys i am moving out-

[Silver] kinda reminded me of that small bitch who keeps trying to get humped.

[Silver] heh

[Maladroit] ya i thought that was shanky-

[Silver] kinda would have hard time typing the *f-word* he typed

[Anonymous] ok im leaving all u gays out there mail me at *f-word*.com

[Silver] fine, f-word.com it is

[shanky] silver u surathkal whore

[Maladroit] cool down da shanky-

[shanky] cheapest whore oin this district

[Silver] ah....

[shanky] *f-word* u all

[Silver] you will do that wouldnt you

[Maladroit] go study for tomo's tele switch exam-

[Silver] please oblige

[Anonymous] *f-word*

[Maladroit] *f-word*-

[shanky] i dont need 2 listen to shit from u

[Maladroit] shanky go study

[shanky] u *f-word* stunted dwarf

[Silver] ending with a positive note ey... cool.

[shanky] positive ...

[shanky] *f-word* u and ur positives

[Maladroit] hiv +ve-

[shanky] hahaha .. *f-word* u wastage

[shanky] maladroit who the *f-word* are u

[Silver] luv filter.

And so as the conversation became very vulgar due to [Shanky's] presence, I closed the chat and went to study for the exams that i had the next day. But i will always remember the entire chat...one of the best times of my life!-

[Cursor] Heh!

Like I said, I dont want you to frame any opinion about me by reading this. This is just another day in a hostel. You will know when you stay in a hostel like this once....

Of Blood and Birthday - I

To be frank, this blog should have been put up some 3 weeks back. But me being me, I just kept on postponing things. And so in the end here I am actually typing this thing on my computer. So I am 21 now. Celebrated my birthday on 26^th last month- October that is. What took place that day was not something that I would have really anticipated. It was completely incongruous. But I guess that’s what made this birthday somewhat different. So here is what happened that day.

I was awake when the clock struck 12. A couple of my friends called me then. Then before I wished myself, I knew that I had to listen to some proper music that would really fit the mood and situation I was in. So there I was in my home, alone in the living room while my parents were sleeping upstairs. And I put in my Pink Floyd CD and listened to “TIME”. Just lost myself in the leads and in the lyrics. And as the song came to an end, I was no longer feeling that void in me. And then I went to sleep.

Morning came and all those whom I expected to wish me, called me and wished me. And I was happy about that. There were some, about whom I had just given a thought. And wondered what they would be thinking about me on that day. I was wondering because they were the people who I knew would not be calling.

But that was not my concern. My concern was the fact that I had absolutely nothing planned for that day. Nothing at all. No meeting up with friends. Nothing whatsoever. Ok my aunt and her family were going to come in the evening and we were going to cut my cake. But when it came to the day, I had nothing on my mind. So I called up my friend and he asked me to come to his college in the afternoon.

And so I went there and I met him and I met a few of my old friends from my Joseph’s PU College. And I was really happy to meet all of them. I went for a small treat with him and that was it. I came back home. There was nothing that I did apart from that. And so I waited for the evening. And it came. And my mom was preparing a special dinner. My dad was on his way and my grandparents would be coming soon and my aunt would be a bit late. And then something happened.

Never Before and Never Ever.....

Warning: The Following is a very large blog. So if you dont have the patience to read the entire thing, please go to the next blog post.

So again, stating a fact, Michel Schumacher will not be driving his Ferrari in F1 anymore. One more fact is that I have been a Schumi fan ever since I first started to watch F1. I really cannot point out what exactly it was that drew me to him. I wont say it was his style of driving or anything because I was not analyzing F1 professionally. It was just that I liked him- probably for the fact that he was trying to win his first title with Ferrari ever since he joined. I still remember the race- it was the Monaco Grand Prix of the 2000 season. That was when I started watching F1. I don’t exactly recollect the results. But all I remember is that I knew who I was going to be supporting from then on.

And what a journey it has been. I still remember the way Michael broke down into tears at Monza in the 2000 season. I still remember him coming in front of Mika Hakkinen after the second round of pit stops in the final Japanese Grand Prix that season. I still remember him almost driving over the grass when he lost control on his slowing down lap after that win because he had just put his head in his hands and was crying. I still remember the way he overcame an initial fight by Coulthard to take the second Championship in a row. I still remember all those memorable Hakkinen- Schumi fights that took place all the year through. I still remember that Spanish Grand Prix when Hakkinen was leading Schumi by over 50 seconds into the final lap and Schumi having to go a bit slow as his car was not perfect and then next thing I see is Hakkinen’s car just blowing up with less than half a lap to go. And then I still remember the way I celebrated that night- I in fact have a recording of the commentary when the blow up took place. But of course one cant deny Hakkinen making “that” move on Michael at Spa with Ricardo Zonta lurking in front of them both. That was simply put a magnificent race for Mika. I guess Mika will always be remembered for that move on Michael.

And of course I still remembered the day his mother passed away and he didn’t celebrate his race victory. And I still remember the way he stamped his authority over each and every driver on the circuit. All the others were made to look like just pawns on the chess board where he laid down the rules. So there came another title and then another. Some began to question his age and said that he should be retiring. Michael knew better. Instead he fought on the likes of Raikkonen and Montoya. Though initially it promised to be a close contest, in the end Michael just made sure that it was nowhere close to what they must have thought of. In fact I remember distinctly something Kimi said in some interview after the season in which he came second. He said, “Sometimes I think I am going to win all the races!” Now that is something I would like to see!

And so after 5 years of the undisputed reign of the Prancing Horses, I guess it was time the others woke up and did something about the Monopoly. And so came Renault and Mclaren. And Ferrari was left dreaming about what was going to happen. It was the worst season ever for Ferrari since a long time, producing only one win and that too in that Indianapolis Fiasco. But all said and done, it was good to see Alonso come up with some scintillating performances. For that season I have to say he was the deserved Champion.

But come 2006 and things changed big time. Ferrari were back. But it took them some time in catching up with the pace of Renault. And at one point, Schumi was like 25 points behind Alonso. And then something happened that could have been called anything short of a miracle. But no! It was not a miracle. It was a phenomenon called Michael Schumacher!

That drive at San Marino and the subsequent wins took him at sniffing distance to Alonso. And then when he announced his retirement, I was almost on the verge of tears. I just prayed that he would change his decision though deep inside I knew that nothing like that would ever happen. And of course, then eventually he caught up with Alonso and then all of us know what happened in that penultimate Grand Prix. Schumi leading with 15 laps to go and his engine gives way.

That was one of the real heart breaking moments for me in quite some time. I felt more disappointed than what I felt when I had to end my relationship with someone close to me. It was like the end of the road. The end of all hopes. For a few moments it was as if the world came to a stand still. And when I got back to reality I realized that it was indeed over. The last race was just a formality. But what was I to feel? I don’t know what I felt but what I do remember is that I didn’t make any effort to feel at all.

And when I saw that he was going to start from 10^th on the grid, I felt really depressed. Ferrari had a great package that day at Interlagos. And when I saw Michael overtake Fischichella for 5^th place, my heart leapt only to skip a beat when his tyre got punctured. And he went into the pits and came out at the dead end of the field. And what happened in the next 1 hour or so can only be called as miraculous or in his case, just a Michael Schumacher. He ran through the track like a blazing rocket- a rocket with a purpose. There was no one that could match his place. There he was in 13^th place and he was setting fastest laps- lap after lap. Clearly the fastest on the track. And then as people came out of their second pit stop, Michael was already where he was before, and pushing. A few drivers tried to hold him back- Pffft- just a couple of laps at the max. Robert Doornbos will remember doing the most noble thing ever done- letting Michael go through without a damn fight! And then he runs into Barrichello. The BAR Honda team reminds Rubens that he is still “racing Michael”! Like it would make a difference! 2 laps and then Michael was past Rubens. Next stop: Fischichella! He makes his first attempt at overtaking in the first corner but somehow Gincarlo wards it off. And then came the second attempt. And it was then that you could see the disparity in driving between the veteran and any other. Michael simply pushed him hard. And all Gincarlo could do was to brake late- in fact a bit too late. And he had a grassy moment, letting Michael go through. So there it was 4 laps to go and Michael was in 5^th place 8 seconds behind Raikkonen, the man replacing him next season at Ferrari. And needless to say Michael was still charging. God help Kimi! I watched as he chipped away the gap into the Finn’s Mclaren and immediately posed a challenge for the 4^th place.

Anybody in their right frame of mind would settle for 5^th place when you have a Mclaren in front of you and when you have just about 3 mm space to pull off your overtaking. But you see this rule applies only to humans. Not to Michael Schumacher! He simply threw his car into that 3 mm space- sandwiched between the Mclaren and the pit board wall. And he pulls it off! Kimi is left gaping at that piece of magic that was just performed on him by the man he was going to replace next season. And there you had it, simply put, the greatest overtaking move ever seen!

Probably it was the occasion, or probably it was because it was Ferrari vs Mclaren or probably because it was Schumi’s last overtaking move that anyone would ever see. But whatever be the opinion, “THAT move” simply epitomized Michael’s entire career. Fernando rightly said in the press conference that day that winning the championship with Michael competing you is something worthy and that the converse was also true. And he agreed that he had been extremely lucky that he could do it twice. Damn right!

But whatever be the opinions of all the people around the world, it is simply imperative to believe that F1 can never be the same without him. That someone will come first in a race simply because someone has to and that someone will win the world Championship simply because someone has to.

And in all that time, I can atleast be happy that someday I can proudly tell my children and grandchildren that I was there when Michael won his first title with Ferrari and I can proudly say that I was there when Michael pulled off “that move” over Kimi with 4 laps to go in his career.

There never was and will never be anybody like Michael Schumacher.

Another Year Down the Drain (???)

Ok. So I celebrated my 21^st birthday on the 26^th of October, that is, just a few days back. Whoever I expected to wish me did so. And I dont ask for anything more.Ya so it also simply means that I am 21 years old. And it also means that I am one more year older since my birth and more importantly, that I am one more year closer to my death. I was just thinking about all the things that I had promised myself that I would be doing in my 21^st year and all the things that I finally didn’t end up doing. And when I compared them, I found that the lists were simply matching to perfection.

I had simply done nothing that I had promised myself that I would on my 20^th birthday. But at the same time I did a lot of things that I hadn’t promised myself. And that’s a lot. My 21^st year was the abode to my worst semester for more than one reason. But in the end there were quite a lot of things that I rather think about than all those horrible things that I happened to do in that one horrible semester. Of course there will always be things that simply happen by themselves and you don’t have to do anything about it. All you have to do is to just allow it to happen. And there were many things that just “happened”.

The following are some of the more relevant things that just “happened”:

1) I grew by one more year.

2) I passed in two semesters.

3) I ended a close friendship with my school mate. ( For more info, read ‘Requiem for the past’)

4) My holidays got wasted.

5) I got internet in my hostel room.

6) I got my Driver’s License for car and two wheeler.

7) I made one new friend.

8) A lot of similar stuff…….

Ok so there you had it. Some of the relevant things that just happened to have happened. Now I will be giving you a list of all those things that I did and that really mattered. Now before I tell you those things, there is still something that I did that has simply changed the very way I think. And if it wasn’t for it, I would have still be living life thinking that we are going to die anyway, so why bother achieve anything now.

I read The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. And trust me, there has been nothing more influential to me than what was conveyed in those two books. It is simply not enough that I just make a mention about it in this blog. I will be writing a complete blog just about that soon. And it will be something that will define me.

And for all the other stuff that I “did” in my 21^st year, here is the list:

1) I have now become part of something that has the potential to become something big in the near future.

2) I finally finished my original work that I had been secretly working on for the past few months.

3) I smiled because I had in my hands something that was mine- something that was completely from my own thinking.

4) I have more or less decided that I will be pursuing soil engineering for my higher studies.

5) I realized that I am more happy here with my new group of friends than what I was in my previous academic year.

6) And in the end I realized that preparation really pays.

This is not one of the better blogs that I have written. But I just have a lot of things to say. This was just the beginning of the many blogs that I will be writing within this week.

Like I said, there are many things that just happen and there are many things that you make happen. And life is all about having both of them in the right proportions.

Another year down the drain? I will leave it to you to figure out. But whatever may have happened in my 21^st year, one thing that I am damn sure about is that I am atleast, much much wiser than what I was one year back. And I will definitely gain a lot from that.

22^nd year is already under way. But what does it mean? Or rather, what will I make it mean?

Whatever it be, it wont be another year down the drain next time on….

Happens...

I have formally made up my mind that, henceforth, I will only be dealing with facts and nothing else. Ok this is nothing new to all my esteemed readers (which basically includes me and you-and you might actually be me). Ah chuck it! I cant even talk sense. Forget trying to make sense of what I talk. And now I am here trying to type a blog and I really don’t know what sense I will be able to make at the end of the post. I really can’t think of anything sensible to make sense of right now as I am feeling really sleepy. But I promised myself that I would be putting up some blog today before evening. So here I am. Trying to type a blog.

So all I will do this time is to just sum up certain facts of life (mine that is-after all this is my blog). Just a few things that seemed to have just “happened”. Don’t know why or how, they just seem to have happened. And so, in no particular order, here it goes.

1) My mid sem exams are over. You are free to infer whatever you want from this.

2) I have begun to play a lot of quake- especially with my room mate. Its mainly just to train myself. I basically suck big time at quake. So I am just trying to improve myself. “Practice makes Perfect” you see…..

3) Today I will begin my movie marathon alongwith my roommate. We will be watching atleast some 4-5 movies daily and about 7-8 on weekends.

4) My close classmate has begun to smoke. Well he actually has a crush on this female but he doesn’t have the balls to go talk to her. (Hey sorry dude, I have just stated a fact-that’s all)

5) My mom called me some 4 times in one day.

6) One day before that, some arbit muslim guy happened to crash into some arbit hindu’s vehicle and kill him in the process. And very conveniently that arbit muslim guy was illegally transporting cattle. So no need to explain what came next.

7) My close friend’s birthday took place. I did not forget to wish her.

8) I listened to all my favourite Pink Floyd songs last night.

9) I read someone’s blog.

10) I am right now just writing some non-sense. Nothing more.

God help me and god help all those who have read this blog till now. I do not wish to further humiliate you. So this is officially the last sentence of this blog post.

Come to think of it, I really don't know how blogging is helping me. Ok all that banter about me getting to express myself and air my own views is all fine. But how is it actually helping me?

So last week I came up with this idea as to how I can actually use blogging to my benefit. So here is my plan.

You see, I am one among the significant minority of the Indian Undergraduate student community who aspire for higher studies in their respective fields. And so this inevitably implies that I have to write the GRE. And as far as I know, I need to have a strong vocablulary to actually have any hopes of cracking it.

And thats where Blogspot comes into play. Since I have this unexplained (and sometimes unreasonable) passion for blogging, I thought I might as well use this as part of my preparation for the GRE. And how exactly is it going to happen?

Thats where my imagination kicked in.
Now you see I have been learning all these new words from all these "Improve Your Vocabulary" books that my vocabulary has significantly increased. Now I also know that its not just about having a good vocabulary that matters but it is also how you make use of it. So this is what I am going to do:
Every time I sit to type a blog, I will take a list of words that I have newly got acquainted with. Then I will take some totally arbit situation which I am quite familiar with. And then I will type a blog about that situation. But the catch here is that come what may, I will somehow have to throw in those new words in the blog and still try to maintain some sense in it!
So in that way I will be using those new words in some relavent(?????) context and at the same time I would have written one more blog.

Two kills with one shot-eh? (What say you?)

So henceforth you will find a lot of posts that will have a lot more English vocabulary. But I cannot say anything about the content( or the lack of it)!

MS, here I come!!!

PS: "Rectilinear Redemption" is NOT part of my vocabulary.

All The Damn Wait.....

And finally i get internet in the hostel room itself. The much awaited entry of net into our sacred rooms is finally over. Now everyone can get spoilt.
Not Me!
I will be very careful as to what i surf and when i surf i will make sure that i wont be wasting my time. I will not surf anything that is beyind my necessity. I will use it for constructive purposes only.
Ok fact is that i will be blogging more often than b4. But right now i have to study 4 my exams that will end on monday. So till then tata.

By the way this is one more blog

Of Rain and Football…

I have revealed my fondness to deal with facts in many of my previous blog posts. The following are also facts:
1) I have played a maximum of 50 hours throughout my childhood.
2) There have been many instances when I haven’t played for years together at a stretch.
3) I was always discouraged to go out and play by my parents. There have been many instances when I had to lie to my parents as to why I came home later than usual when all the time I was having the time of my life in some playground playing with my friends.

Like I said, these are facts. I have not tried to exaggerate anything here. And right now I will continue to state facts. It was only after my 2nd puc that I began to play. I found this bunch of guys of my age who were playing football near my home in a playground. I was driving my vehicle that time. Usually I don’t stop for anything when I am driving. But by then, I had become this crazy football buff that I couldn’t resist. So I stopped and went and asked them if I could join them. They said they didn’t have any problem. And there you go, that was when I started to play again.

Soon I started to go there frequently and so I got to know them better. But still I never really got into the game. How do you expect someone who has hardly played anything till then in his entire life, to play something like football very well? I was sad at playing football. I was very easily the worst player among all those who came there to play. I scored a few own goals, let the ball go through my legs, handled the ball conceding penalties, mis-kicked the ball on more than one occasion, and well- I did a lot more. And I knew that every day that I went there to play football, I would end up doing the same or perhaps something worse. But then I didn’t stop going. Whatever I was doing, whatever pathetic football that I was playing, as far as I could see, the only thing that mattered to me was that I was still playing football. And as long as I was doing that, I didn’t care as to how I was playing it. I was just happy to go there everyday and run around the ground marking forwards and denying them the chance to score, or just running around and hoping that I somehow get the ball and that I may get to make a crucial pass which may end up in goal. It has happened on a few occasions. But then, I was happy with what I got.
And while all this was happening, I realized that I wasn’t really playing that frequently at all. And then when I came to the hostel for my college, I hardly played. I managed to get into some arbit game of football now and then, but nothing concrete at all. I was quite disappointed with all that. 2 years had passed and I hadn’t played anything.

And then enter 3rd year and I knew that this would be different. I was going to live with a whole different group of friends altogether. And these were the ones who played football regularly.

And I played football. It was not so much as to how I played than the fact that I was playing. I was running around madly tiring myself quickly but nevertheless I kept on running. I was sweating and panting with only half an hour into the game. I said to myself, “ What hell? This is what I play for!” And so I continued to run around. I played approximately about 2 hours continuously. I was tired. And I was happy.

And so I played regularly. At least 3-4 times a week. There have been instances when I am playing and I look up to the sky. And I see lots of clouds. And then I pray for the heavens to open up. And on more than one occasion, it has rained. So there I am, running around the ground. There I am sweating myself out. And then, it rains.

Those who have played some sport in the rain will be aware of the sensual pleasure it gives to the one who is playing. The first sense of the rain falling down on you, the subsequent downpour, the experience of getting drenched in that rain, and all the time, you are doing something that you should have done way back in your childhood. That, man, made me happy. That was what I live for. That, was why I still believed that happiness exists on this planet.
And now everytime they go out to play, I make sure that I go play as well- irrespective of whether I have a test the next day or not. And I don’t have any repents if that has cost me anything till now. Because you see, I am just making up for all the times that I had lost. Who said that it is in your childhood that you play the most and enjoy the most? Who said that as you grow older, you get more worried and so you can’t live and enjoy like a kid? And who said that those who haven’t played in their childhood have lost a lot?

Well, I can tell you this much. I am 20 years old and I am now coming to know what it means to play. And I am happy. I don’t care if I played less than what a dog plays in its first year of living, I don’t care if all that I have won in sports in my entire life was a 3rd place finish in a tricycle race in my UKG, I don’t care if my parents robbed me of my childhood by brainwashing me that the only thing worthy on this planet is studies and that playing is something only bad kids do, I don’t care if everytime I go out to play I happen to score an own goal, I don’t care if I happen to break my wrist when I fall while playing and I don’t care a damn everytime I see some 8 year old kid playing better football than what I do now.

All I know is that I am on the ground and that I am playing football. And I also know that sometimes it rains and that I love to play in the rain. And so as long as I happen to keep playing football, and as long as there exists even a slight possibility of rain, all I know is that you will find me happy- like a kid.

A Day At Chennai

Question: What do you get when you take a big bunch of really enthusiastic 20 odd year olds, put them on a journey to the biggest Metro in south India, add a few dashes of waiting, a tinge of hunger, a little lack of sleep, some dragging of luggage, and amidst all this, somehow put Me to add to all the anarchy that was already in place?
Answer: You get my trip to Chennai; and the realization that the above question is a gross understatement of what exactly happened there.

The journey to Chennai is best forgotten for all the right reasons to forget it. It included standing for over 3 hours even before “The Journey” had even begun. Next in line was the entry into the bus. Ok, there was no hassle in entering the bus. Just that after entering, I realized that the manufacturers of the bus had unanimously decided to maximize the number of seats that can be crammed in a bus of the usual size. And to be frank, they had actually done a good job at that. How was I to know that soon I would actually be changing the bus into a bus, which was manufactured by people who had made up their minds to come out with the maximum number of seats that can be shoved into the bus, without regard to the fact that the legs are also part of the human anatomy? And as all of us boarded the “New” bus, we realized that it is best not to let our actual feelings and opinions be known to others. So we all kept quiet. And we slept.

Well at least that’s what we tried to do. Some were successful, some weren’t. Those who were successful, I believe, had some prior experience in making sure that they shift the positions of their neck and skull at regular intervals so that they don’t wake up in the morning not being able to feel their own brain. I was one among them. Unfortunately not many were aware of this very precious funda. So some tried in vain to sleep amidst the entire "happy crowd” singing Anthakshari. No not that these other people were sad or anything. Just that most of them were really tired and would have appreciated some good uninterrupted sleep. But that was not to be. So either they didn’t sleep at all or had an hour’s sleep as a result of the sum total of all the 135-seconds sleep that they were able to manage to dig up from their sleep reservoir at arbit intervals. Anyway we reached Chennai at around 9:30 in the morning. And then I was told that I had to walk about a mile carrying the entire luggage that I had got from my home! And that weighed not much-just over 30 kilos!

And the first thing that you realize as soon as you step in Chennai is that God made sure that people really know the true meaning of the term ‘humidity’. I was dragging my luggage, which bore more resemblance to an obese corpse, with whatever energy I had managed to save by my precious sleep. And somehow I made it into some place that I was supposed to go.
And I didn’t exactly feel that I was at home. Probably I was not supposed to feel at home. So there I was, having traveled more than a kilometer dragging my fat luggage along and I was told that I had about 15 minutes to freshen myself up and get ready to go the place which had been the very purpose of my visit. Ok I am all excited to go there and witness something big and I put all my enthusiasm in trying to brush and wash my face with some soap I had bought along the way. And somehow I succeed. And then I come down to be told that I am almost late and that I am to hurry up to that place.

What about breakfast? I had a Samosa worth 5 bucks in some cheap place and that was it. How was I to know that that was all that I would be having till about 6 in the night? Well later I would realize that there were people in a worse state than what I was. People who hadn’t even had that one Samosa. And that way I considered myself quite lucky. And after all the anguish that I had been through, I finally reached that place that I was supposed to go and I reached it about 10 minutes late- only to be told that the whole thing would be delayed by about 2 hours. But then I was to sit there and do nothing but wait and wait and after all the waiting was done, all I had to do was more waiting.

And during all those time, I was with my close friends (read as fellow sufferers).We were all united in protest of the denial of the most basic human right- the right to eat! But of course we all had the courtesy and dignity to keep the protest a silent one-lest anyone come to know of our desire to eat and thereby chuck us out of the hall. I spent those times pulling my friend’s legs over her not having eaten anything and not having slept properly for a long time. (I really feel I should have told her about the cake I had for my cousin’s birthday)

And then at around 12:45 PM, it happened. No. I didn’t have food. But something better happened. And it lasted for about 5 hours. And it is something that has kept me wishing for more. All those suffering, all those pain that I went through in getting myself to sit in that place suddenly seemed to be all worth it. How was I to know that things would only get better and better from then on? How was I to know that what happened in those five hours would go a long way in determining my future? I just now said that it was all worth the pain. Now I will go one step ahead. I say that what happened there demanded all the things that I went through. And I am happy that I was there to see all of it take place.

That night I left for the Chennai Central railway station. My train was not due until the next day noon. And I didn’t have any place to stay. I just needed to spend one night in some place and I couldn’t find any. So I spent it at the station itself. And in the next blog post you will hear about my adventures with things ranging from deficiency of food to newspaper beds to non-existent criminals and bag lifters. Like you will know, it all happened in One Night @ the Chennai Central.

The Moratorium on Brains

Now this is something that really goes a long way describing the kind of world I am living in and the kind of world I want to live in. This took place just a few days back at my Fluid Mechanics lab.

Now my batch has got these 3 teachers for the lab course, all of whom are amateurs. No I am not trying to degrade them- not yet at least. Now to summarize the situation of the lab, it will be sufficient to say that there are not more than 3 people in the entire class who really know or have any desire of knowing what is going on exactly in the experiments. I have no qualms in stating that I am one of those 3 people. I do not consider it a crime to do the right thing or to be interested in the right things.

So here I am in the lab surrounded by people who are just waiting for the bell to ring so they can get out and lead whatever they choose to call as life during their free time. And I submit the experiment that I had conducted last week. While computing the value for the required parameter, I found that I had got a large difference in the values of the parameter found out graphically and analytically. And I had discovered that the reason was not some error in the reading or in the calculations. It was something more fundamental. It was in the very derivation of the formula. In the end, I realized that the vast difference was due to the assumption of a convenient value for the power of a certain other parameter. And I realized that whatever result I was getting through graph was not wrong in actuality. It was actually through the graph that one should interpret the result. At the time of me discovering this, I had a very memorable moment actually comprehending the beauty of the concept.

And so I let the values stay in the record book. And I submitted it to the instructors. And I had put in extra efforts to write the record. I hadn’t copied a single word. I made it as neat as I could do it. And in the end it came out quite well I should say. I was happy with myself when I gave that record.

And so after some time, the teacher calls me and asks me to explain the difference in the values. I begin with lots of enthusiasm. I really felt happy to narrate her the amazing experience I had when discovering the subtle concept. And to my shock, all the 3 teachers are just staring at me as if I am out of my senses and that i am somebody who cant understand the subject. I was trying to make them see the beauty of the situation. But all the response that I get is that I should have “manipulated” the graph to fit the values of the analytical results!

I quickly replied-“ Mam, I could have manipulated anytime and got the value of the analytical result. But I just left it as it is. I did not want to manipulate the readings.”

And then she reminds me that I had been asked to manipulate the readings in the graph on a previous occasion as well. I try to convince her that the very way the experiment is conducted is not right. But all I find is that I am talking to just some sort of human forms who have everything human except the ability to reason. I make an effort to help them see the situation as it was seen when the experiment was conducted 4 centuries ago and what the person tried to convey. I was trying to make them realize that the very purpose of a laboratory course was being defied. But the only response I could muster from them was that I was being asked to change the graph to fit the values.

And in the end it came down to authority and position. I was sidelined and was awarded 7 on 10. 7 on 10 while others who had copied the entire stuff they had written and had no clue about what was in it ended up getting 8 and above. And when I asked the teacher as to how come I was given fewer marks, all the 3 teachers could do was to give me that smile which very proudly declared that I was in a world which did not allow one to think by themselves. And that I was not expected to be any sort of exception. It was as if they were reminding me that I was not required to think by myself and instead that all I had to do was to just follow what has been taught till now even if it contradicted whatever some great man had found out centuries ago by thinking different from all the others around him.

And this is the kind of world that I am living in. And all I can see around me are more people who have realized that thinking is not required or those who are trying to make others realize that thinking independently is something not to be done in this world today.

And so from now on, I will do what is required to get whatever value I am supposed to get as per analytical formulae. It will kill me everytime I do it. But I will do it. Because you see, that is the only way of surviving in this world where reason has been deemed redundant. I might as well start copying everything that I write and I might end up getting the same marks, probably more. But I wont do it. Not because I don’t trust others( that is a fact, but that is not the reason). It is because what I write will not be of my own thought or of my own creation. It is someone else’s. And I don’t feed on someone else’s creation. Each creation is the triumph of that one person who made it happen.

And whatever I do is MINE. Irrespective of whether this world recognizes it or not. I had read a question in a book for which I have high regards. It asked: “Who is John Galt?” I ask something else.

Where is John Galt when you need him the most?

This whole blog is not meant to be understood by all those who read it. All those who read it and either cant understand it or are not able to appreciate the magnitude of the situation, have no purpose on this planet. It’s not that I don’t care what you think of me. It’s just that I don’t think of any of you.

My time will come. Then I will let all of you out there know what I mean by leading a life and what it means to actually live.

The Moratorium on Brains will not last forever

Requiem for the Past

A requiem is a funeral song and it is sung, well, during funerals. No, nobody I know of personally died or anything. But in one of my previous blog posts, I had mentioned that a formal funeral hadn’t yet taken place. Well, I guess it’s time had come. The funeral took place yesterday in the morning amidst really unusual circumstances.
I am talking about the funeral of my relationship with one of my one-time close friend. It wasn’t too hard on me. I guess that’s why I am not unduly worried or concerned about it. Anyway it all started two days back when this friend of mine gave me a missed call after like some 4 months. Four months during which no effort was made whatsoever on her part to call me or atleast give me a missed call so that I would call back. Nothing at all. And then all of a sudden, this girl calls out of nowhere and still expects me to call her back. Ok. I was really curious. So I called her back.
The conversation went on smoothly. She laughed a lot. It will be fair to say that I made her laugh. Six months back it would have meant something really special. But now, after 4 months of neglect, it didn’t make any difference at all. Nothing whatsoever. I was surprised myself. But come to think of it, the whole conversation as such didn’t seem to make any difference in anyway to me. It didn’t make me happy. It didn’t make me depressed, or angry or anything for that matter. I found out that I was experiencing the most basic form of human indifference. It just didn’t matter to me what she said or how she responded. After talking to her for well over an hour, I just went back to my books and started studying. It was as if nothing had ever taken place at all.
But I had told her about my blog. I gave her the address. So yesterday morning, when I was doing my drawing assignment, I get a message. It was from her and it said that she was reading my blog. And she messaged me that part I had written about her in “cleaning out my closet”. And she said she was deeply hurt and that no one had been this rude to her ever before. She said she wanted to cry but couldn’t as she was in a browsing center. She went on to say that it was not that people didn’t deserve me but that I didn’t deserve anyone. And she asked me to make that change in the blog.
She says that calling me the previous night was one of her biggest mistakes.( I still don’t know why she called me in the first place.) And so I reply saying that I had no problem in declaring that I was rid of all guilt because none of this was my mistake. I told her that she had no idea about how much pain she caused me. I told her that she had made no effort to even check whether I was dead or alive. And I asked her to ask herself honestly if she made any effort to contact me at all. The reply I got was that she didn’t want any more of my messages. She said that now she didn’t want to even know if I was alive or dead. And she said “bye”.
I guess there was nothing left to do but to say the same back to her. But I decided to do it in a more civilized way. So I just messaged saying that I did not have any guilt whatsoever. And that time had come indeed to part. I wished her all the best for her future and expressed my wish that she live her dreams. I told her that in case at any point of time, if she ever remembered me, then I requested her to remind herself of the better times that we had. And I bid her “bye” and told her to take care.
And that was it. Period.
I somehow liked to think of her whenever I listened to “Scarborough Fair” by Simon and Garfunkel. I am listening to it right now. But I am not thinking of her anymore. I guess she is now a thing of my past. It just didn’t make any difference to me at all when I came to know that I would not be talking to her anymore. I just looked at my mobile and then carried on with whatever I was doing.
I guess its just been another reason for me to sit in front of my computer and type a blog post. Nothing more. Well for all you know, even that is getting over. Soon there will be nothing to remind me of all those times. I guess, in the end, it just didn't make any difference.
Come to think of it in a much broader view, it looks like the past is just going away. Nothing of that dreadful past I had, seems to be around me anymore. Simply put, it is now time to sing. Sing a song. Sing a funeral song. For the funeral of my past.
The Requiem for my Past sings aloud. And ahead.
Here I come.

Aaaah!!

My college has not yet got the internet facilities to the hostel. And god damn it! I am really feeling handicapped! I cant blog. I cant do anything...!
This is a new kinda frustration!

Another chance...Another Semester.

That’s right. Here I am…all over again. This is my fifth take at this thing that we all call life. It has been more than 2 years now, since I had my first shot at this thing. And I have been having retakes every 4-5 months. Every semester I complete is like another 4 months down the drain. Every time I set out on my next semester I feel it is going to be different. I feel it is going to be better than my previous ones. But in the end, when my exams arrive, the only realization that comes into my head is that I am just 4 more months closer to my grave. The first thought that comes to my head at that time is that of shooting myself point blank with a 3-mm gun. But that is again just a thought which I can’t simply put into action. It is just that desire to escape reality that permits these thoughts into my head. And I seem to get that thought quite frequently nowadays.

It has without fail come to me every exam, every test, every quiz test, every assignment that I have copied, every class I have bunked, every day that I dint take bath, every Sunday that I got up late, every hour I wasted playing some or the other game on my computer, every day I dint do my spiritual duties, every week that I did not make an effort to call my parents, every unnecessary call that I made, every time I saw someone succeed and realize that I could have done a much better job than them, every time I plan for the week and don’t stick to it, every time I promise myself something and don’t live up to it, every time I look at the mobile phone and realize that just looking at it is not going to make it ring, every time some unknown person tells me that I don’t have anyone to talk to when I need to, every time I look at my Mridangam and remember that I haven’t been playing it since quite some time, every time I finish watching a movie and realize that I wont be studying that much time I had promised myself I would at the start of that movie, every time my results come out of any test that I have attended and realize that I am saved because a majority of the class is worse than me, every time I meet my Professor, whom I treat as God , and he tells me that I am one of those really gifted people who are hard to find these days, every time that I have to tell my results to my parents, in fact, every time I speak to my parents and they ask me how I am studying, every time I think that I deserve someone special in my life, every time I let my clothes unwashed for a long time, every time a lecturer asks a question in the class and either I don’t know the answer or someone else answers it, every time I think of what I wanted to be and every time I think of what I am.

“ ….that it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.

….and the fault is my own and the fault is my own…”

So says a popular song. I cant agree more in my present situation.

I have big dreams. Not of having in my possessions a lot of materialistic things. But of a more fulfilling desire. A desire to see myself succeed – succeed big in what I always wanted to do. There is no greater pleasure and satisfaction in life than making something big happen- all just because of your effort. And that is my ultimate goal. And it cant be done in one night or in a year. But it can surely be done within the span of my life.

It feels very good to think about all the things one can actually accomplish. And it is an even greater feeling when one actually achieves them. But what does one do when one doesn’t have the faith arising due to past success? But instead has to bear the guilt of not doing what is required to do of him every damn day of his life?

You just do it.

Whoever gave that line must have just done it.

But again this is a new beginning for me. A new chance. A new semester. I will be leaving tomorrow night to my hostel. And what happens then onwards will be totally upto me. I have the freedom to make or break myself. I have a lot of plans for this semester.

“Plans that either come to nought

or half a page of scribbled lines…”

-“TIME” by Pink Floyd

I hope it doesn’t come to that. But yes I can still pull off something that I have put off for over two long miserable years. I had spoken of a phrase in one of my previous blogs that would be my identity soon. And I also said that I would not reveal it until I am worthy of it. I still stand by that. But for all those who have simply counted me off, I have nothing to say to all of you. For all the others, I say to you,

You were damn right.