Cleaning out my Closet

This is a very special post for me.

I have been having holidays for the past 2-3 months and so I have been staying at home all this while. So many things I had planned for these 3 months. I won’t say that nothing materialized at all. But I have been quite disappointed with myself about not being able to do all those things I had planned.

But these holidays have indeed been eventful for me. I started them by working on a project. Then of course came the FIFA World Cup. And so my biological clock was shifted forwards by about 5 hours. And I am still trying to readjust it. I really couldn’t do much during the World Cup. And so after the world cup was when things began happening.

I started working on something that I had newly discovered and was really happy about it. But again, I feel now that I could have done better. These being my holidays- I very well knew that I was capable of more. But anyway I did extract something out of it. And apart from that, I met most of my friends. I attended my High School reunion. And I organized my PU College friends’ reunion from St. Joseph’s. That just took place today.

I really had a great time talking about all the fun we had at Joseph’s those two years. Trust me. Those two years were simply the best of my life. I don’t think I can ever get back times like those two years. We relived every moment of those two years worth remembering. And it was great to see old friends not having changed. I will really miss those times.

And apart from meeting up with old friends, well, for those of you who have been reading my old posts, you will know that my holidays witnessed the return of someone special-after 8 years. Well, yes. She was indeed someone special to me and those 3 nights that I spoke to her for 5 hours each are something that I had never expected to happen. Those 3 nights gave me something that I had been too scared to even wish for. But I knew all the time that she had not come back to stay. It was only intended to be what it finally turned out to be. On the third night, I realized that that was the last time I would ever be talking to her. And today, we formally agreed that in order to maintain the sanctity of our relationship, we should not contact each other anymore- for the rest of our lives. And I was happy about it. So was she. And so it ended.

I also happened to get in touch with a few more special people from the past. Ok. I will be frank. Even these special people were girls. I don’t see any crime in that. These were the girls, with whom I used to talk to over the phone for hours together at some point of time or the other. And I was happy about it. But like all the others, none of them stayed for good. And so I contacted them through various means.

One of them was able to recognize me. And that’s it. There was no intention shown whatsoever to even mention that we had been close friends for a long time. Well, I guess that sort of required a finishing touch. So I sent her a message saying “Well we did have some good times. It was nice knowing you. Tata!” And so it ended.

One more “special” person was someone whom I had not contacted for over 3 months. Simply because she didn’t have the simple courtesy to give me even a missed call for over 3 months during which it was only me who was calling her. Ok…whatever. Now this female got recently placed in some not-so-big company. Last I heard she was still trying for her dream company. And she happened to let me know of her progress in her placements. Some very fine aspect cropped up in my messages which I guess was either misunderstood or was simply waited for as an excuse to end the relationship. Of course, no formal funeral has taken place till now. But I have this itching sensation that it is not too far away. Well, if this is the end, so be it.

And yes. There is one more of those “special” persons still to talk about. The fate of this special person’s relationship with me is now being decided as I type. Well she was someone I have known since I was 5 years old. Yes. You can say my childhood friend. And we got to know each other better in the later stages of high school and PUC and the later years. To state a fact, she is the one with whom I have spoken the most over the phone. And I used to talk to her for a long time even until as recent as December 2005. But then again I realized that it was only me who was calling. There was no effort whatsoever from her side to contact me in anyway. And that disappointed me quite a bit. So I stopped calling. Sometime now and then I used to call her. But I got no reply. And she never made one damn call to my phone all the while. And today it so happened that she messaged me out of nowhere asking me how I am. I reply casually. She thinks I am sarcastic. I can’t help it. So I have right now given her the choice whether she wants to continue to talk to me or not. And I am waiting for her reply. Yes this is happening as I type. Honestly speaking I don’t want to talk to her. All these past 6-7 months, I have learnt to live without her talks. I have changed. I really can’t change again. But the way I am sending the messages indicates to her that I would like to continue the friendship. But I have given her the final choice. And right now I am still waiting.

Well, I have now waited for over an hour and I have got no reply. So I shall not wait any longer. No. I am not going to announce the funeral of our friendship now. If anything actually develops regarding this matter, then I will let you know soon.

But come to think of it, it’s not just that a few people I knew are going away for good. Its that “I” am making them go away. It is that I have now come to the understanding that I had a past once. And that it was filled with a lot of people. And that not all stay. In fact, it is more apt to say that I should stay with people from the past those who are worthy of company.

And so for the past few weeks, I have been flushing out my past mistakes. I have been bidding goodbye to all those people in my life who do not deserve me. I have been cleansing myself of all the untold sins that I have committed. I have been throwing away all the unscrupulous elements of my past character. I have been looking forward for a new life.

In short, I guess I have just been cleaning out my closet. And now it is all devoid of any unwanted thing of my past. It’s in fact, full of new hopes and aspirations, the confidence that something can be done after all and that recurring phrase in my head. I won’t be telling what it is. It is something that I shall reveal only when I am worthy of it.

And now I am ready.

Bring It On.

What Happens....after 8 Years?

I had spoken about so much guilt. Yes, I still do not deny that I felt all those guilt. But what I am gonna tell you here is something different. Something that happened last night. Simply put, it was just too good to be true. But then, I guess, God sometimes bestows us all with some incredible things. I had not even dared to dream of it. But there I was, doing that very thing, living that very undreamt dream. Well, for all you know, it could have just been a dream. But it happened to be something more than that.

Something like this to follow after that miserable experience in reliving the worst phase of my life was beyond my ability to even dream. All that guilt has simply been replaced and superceded by the joy and satisfaction of having done that something I only desired so deep in myself that I was too scared to think of it- lest it not come true.

What do you feel when you realize that you have lost something and for 8 years you keep wondering whether there is even the slimmest hope that it will come back? What do you feel when it comes back after 8 years? What do you feel when you suddenly realize you are living your deepest desire that you have been secretly nurturing for over 8 years? What do you feel when you know that this is going to be the last time this is going to take place?

Walking Again

It’s really funny. I will tell you some facts. For the past 1-2 years, I have had many intimate relationships with girls. As is my policy, I shall not be taking up names. I had been alone for over 18 years. I do not have any brother or sister. I am the only son to my parents. And I was alone. My only outlet to social life was the telephone. And I used it like it was one more metabolic process necessary for my survival. I used to speak for hours together every damn day. And to be frank, most of my long conversations have been with girls. I have had more girls as close friends than boys. Now that being the case, my only outlet to an intimate relationship was the phone. And then, I went to a hostel at the age of 18.

There I was surrounded by people of my age all round the clock. At any given point of time, I had atleast ten people around me. But with so many around me all the time, I was still ALONE. Yes. That’s the fact. And so my outlet to intimacy was again my mobile phone. And yes, in the initial stages, I felt handicapped that I could not talk to anyone. And then, god gave me a solution in the form of my very old school friend. I still cant believe how I would have survived there in my right senses if it hadn’t been for her.

But then you see, nothing lasts forever. Things fade. When that someone comes into your life, I guess you tend to forget and ignore all those who have been with you all the while. Well, at least that’s what happened to her. And I was left alone again. It was that handicapped time again for me. But then God again sent someone else this time.

And I was happy talking to her. I was really happy talking to her. I used to talk to her like crazy. Even at 1:30 in the night we chatted on more than one occasion. And I was happy. I even got thoughts that this relationship might go further. So I promised something. Only thing, I was not able to fulfil it. This strained the relationship. And even though we started talking again, I knew somehow things wont be the same. And they are not. We hardly talk anymore. And I was handicapped again.

And so with this background imagine what happens when something returns after 8 years that gets me walking again? Again, simply put, it’s a dream come true.

I just want to thank that person who has made such a big difference I my life. THANKS A LOT.

And Nothing Else Matters....

Just last night I decided to do something queer. I just thought –“Ok. So lets see what are the things or who are the people without whom I really cant survive.” I wanted to know, in a practical way, as to who or what I was in actual need of to lead my life. I was a little apprehensive about going about this. Why? Well simply because I would sort of tell myself the naked truth as to whom or what I truly like and at the same time, I would know who all or what all doesn’t make a difference to me. And trust me: I really had a hard experience.

First I set out on the things that I couldn’t really live without. Well apart from the daily necessities of life that I am inevitably forced to use, I did find a few things I couldn’t live without.

First of all, my books. Books- of all kinds. My academics reference books, or be it my novels, my motivational books, all those books on World War 2, or those text books I have always loathed, all those spiritual books, books that I wrote myself-I am referring to my diaries-, or be it all those used and worn out notebooks that I once used long back. I just cant live without them. I need them every hour of the day. Without them, whatever dreams I have won’t be fulfilled in anyway.

And come to think of it, I really had a hard a time to find out something else that I really needed to survive. What answer I got was definitely surprising. In fact some people would laugh at it. The only other thing that I can’t live without is Pink Floyd. Pink Floyd simply filled in that void I had in me a few years back. Every time I heard “Time”, I would just be reminded of all those days gone by wherein all I did was nothing but waste time. I still do. But those lyrics, that lead guitar piece, that retro sound recording….it all just helps me put things in the right perspective. I can keep on talking about all the other songs as well…but that would take up a lot more time and space than what I want to write here.

So that was it: the only two things that I couldn’t live without were my books and Pink Floyd. Nothing else at all.

And then I came to all those people without whom I couldn’t live. I started thinking. Ok kept on thinking. Ok : my parents surely. I have literally been brought up by them. More about them later.

Ok so who else? Of course, my close friend! No names on the blog. So u won’t know who I am talking about. I met this guy about 5 years back. Since then, I couldn’t help but like his company. Today he knows me inside out. And even I know him inside out. And he happens to be the only person who continued to call me when I was in my hostel. Those were tough times for me. I used to stare at the mobile for about an hour hoping that it would ring. It simply never did-apart from his phone calls. So to whoever is reading this, and know that they should have called me and didn’t, well I just have one thing to say: “ None of you people deserve me. I am not made to be someone who knows any of you closely. I deserve people a lot better than you”

Well so apart from my parents and my close friend, I have one more close friend…we have been traveling on the same seas on the same path, but not on the same boat. Our destinations are the same. But our vehicles changed sometime back. But still he is one of the very few guys I have met who think straight, believing that doing the right thing is right. Surely he has made a big difference to me.

Well so there u go. 4 people, two things…end of story.

But only then, I came to realize that the story had just begun.

In my next blog maybe, I will tell you what I meant by the story had just begun.

Perfect Strangers

Something happened two days back.

Something had returned a few months back. And I was happy. I was really happy. It had always been my dream since it had ended on that fateful august night 7 years back. It had turned me mad. It took me a lot of time to come back my senses. Then after I came back to my senses, I was occupied with a lot other things. Couldn’t spare much time about something long gone.

But how was I to know that someday, some guy working in Google would come up with a concept under his own name that would literally sweep my world away? And so came Orkut. And the first day I came on Orkut, I knew what I was searching for.

And I found it. That was a few months back. Things went on smoothly. And I was really happy. Until two days back. I was made to relive each and every moment of the worst days of my life. All those foolish and insane choices that I made long then that led to that august night. I had to relive all that guilt. Guilt not that I caused hurt to someone. But guilt which showed me just how horrible I could be. Guilt that said- I am bad. Something that made me loose whatever self esteem I had built up over the years. That guilt made me feel bad about myself. And I didn’t like it. Nobody does.

It was really hard on me. A few months back, I had thought the whole past was dead and buried. I thought it was all history. But it was to come and haunt me again. And I don’t want that to happen again. And I am in a dilemma as to what I have to do to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

Do I just stop contacting? Or should I give it some more time? For the first time I was contacted on my mobile phone. So what? Nothing much. Just that not many do so.

I still remember I had thought that we would remain as nothing more than perfect strangers. But then it had changed. And now I guess it will go back to just that- Perfect Strangers.

Of Brands and Black Trousers

A few days back, my parents and I had been to Garuda Mall. And for those of you who don’t know what Garuda mall is-well, it is a mall...a big mall…with lots of shops and theatres and …lots of other stuff. Our only purpose of going there was to park our car as we could not find any space on MG Road. Soon after parking, we entered the mall.
It was a real busy sight. People thronging all over the place. But I was still alone-with my parents. I needed a pair of trousers-black trousers. So we went into Shopper’s Stop. Now Shopper’s Stop is this real big place where you get clothes and accessories of various brands. Now I am sort of obsessed with brands. No. It does not mean that I like to wear only branded items or I buy branded clothes. I like them because it simply intrigues me. Just the fact that a shirt is an Armani or a Versace or that a deodorant is a Ferrari. Or for that matter, any of those Dior fabrics, or those Pirelli apparels. Just the fact that one man’s name is so widely accepted that it is a brand in itself is what I find intriguing.
So I enter this place with a black pant in my mind. As soon as I enter, the whole place seemed to be screaming “Versace, Pirelli, Benetton, Giorgio Armani, Prada, Roberto Cavalli…..” And I just stared in awe. It was all in here. All the great Italian fashion designers, British, American, French and even Indian brands were there- all backed by breath-taking photography of models posing with the products.
And there were a lot of brands that I hadn’t yet heard about. Elsa Peretti, Sergio Tacchini, and many others. Now see, I come from a respectable upper middle class family. My parents have provided me with whatever they could provide. I got no complaints on them at all. But I knew that the prices of all branded items were sky-high; why? Just because they are branded items. They are the same brand of clothes that Sharon Stone, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt or Jude Law wears. Well, you can’t expect to wear the same brand that they are wearing at a very cheap price…can you?
And so there I was, standing in front of Giovanni Versace, with all his perfumes, deos, apparels and other accessories. But I dare did not go and ask about the products-simply because I knew I could not afford them. So I went in search of my black pant. I came across many brands I hadn’t heard about. And I found black trousers. I felt the material. It felt good. Quite soft and smooth. The brand: Bottega Venneta. The price: Rs.2499/-
I could not buy it. I moved a few racks ahead. Another pair of black trousers. The brand: Arrows. The price: Rs.2999/-
I moved on. Found out some more black trousers. It was some brand I don’t recall. But I recall the price-Rs. 1999/-
I had come there to buy a pair of black trousers. And I was not able to buy a single piece of clothing there. I was disappointed. I felt helpless. It was not that I was desperate to wear branded clothes and that I was not able to afford it. It was just that I wanted to buy an everyday commodity like a pair of trousers and I was not able to buy one. Forget the place where I was in. Forget the brand. All I wanted was a pair of black trousers and I was not able to afford it.
I felt my hands tied. It was more like a handicap. Yes I could always go to some other normal shop and get a pair of black trousers. But you see that is not the point. The point is –how long? For how long will I be facing the same situation? A situation wherein I am compelled to tell myself: “Look, you can’t afford that. Try somewhere else.”
I have always lived with this I-get-what-I-want kinda attitude. There has never been a question of compromise in my life. And so I can’t accept that I am unable to do something. And so I stood there in front of all the men who hade made big brands out of their own names and I declared that there would soon come a day when I would no longer be in a position wherein I have to compromise. I would get what I want and without any trouble. I would do whatever it takes to get to that position and by God, I will do it soon.
For all you know, 20-30 years down the line, someone will write a blog similar to this. But instead of Giovanni Versace, he would be standing in front of a name- a name famous, simply because it happens to be mine.

Two Arbit Blogs

Right now I am taking a break from Jhankar 2006. The 3rd and 4th parts will follow soon. I just want to write about something else. Something small. Something that happened a few days back. Two events-unconnected in any aspect. My next two blogs will be about them. They may, at first glance, seem very common and trivial. Yes, they are common, but definitely not trivial. They had a profound impact on my mind.
Now since blogs are published in reverse chronological order, the two blogs about the events will be found above this one. Read it. Think about it.

Jhankar 2006 Part II

Now the worst situations in life are those over which you have absolutely no control whatsoever. So I sat there watching all the 120 employees smile and have their 7.53 seconds of fame on stage-happy to just be part of another arbit IT company. I was desperately trying to amuse myself by calculate the number of footsteps taken by each employee to climb on stage and collect their certificate or whatever forgettable memento, along with of course, a hand shake with the big-man himself. And then I tried to compute the probability of how many steps the successive employee would take based on the normal distribution curve that I tried to plot in my mind. Like I said, I was desperate. But then, the atmosphere was so draconic that I soon gave up on what appeared to be-my first ever practical application of probability and statistics in real life.
So while I was desperately hanging on to probability and statistics, the employees who were on stage were growing at an alarming rate. Soon the stage climaxed (pun unintended!) with it’s maximum capacity.
And so there you had it: the biggest bunch of software engineers right up there on stage…all of them having one common look- a look that simply seemed to scream out just one message:
“Hey look people- I exist!!!”

And the night had just begun…….may god have mercy upon me!

To be continued.......

JHANKAR 2006 -PART I

What happens when a bunch of people suddenly take a break from work and realize that their company has completed 4 years of existence?
A: They decide to celebrate.

Ok now what happens when that bunch of people are actually a big bunch of heavily paid software engineers?
A: You get JHANKAR 2006!!

The inevitable was bound to happen sooner or later! And now it was the turn of Symphony Services to celebrate a simple fact that they had somehow managed to stay alive for 4 years in the IT industry! Ok I don’t have any problems with that. But consider the following facts..
1) I simply had a very bad day till 5 pm.
2) I don’t like software engineers.
3) And what I detest even more is software engineers pretending to be happy being a part of their company.
4) And I didn’t know what I was going to be subjected to.

Now somehow, God sanctioned a big gathering filled with software engineers and their families (????), 100 odd software engineers making their best effort to pretend on stage in front of a 1000 strong crowd (also of software related homo sapiens) and some food to eat-all in one place. And then somehow he managed to put me in this chaos. And so, I sat through Jhankar 2006.The following is my nerve-wracking experience of 4 ½ hours at Jhankar 2006.

Now keep in mind this was meant to be a big occasion. So u had people making a sincere attempt to make themselves look good. Ok again I don’t have any problems with that. Now the problems started once the show started.

The big-man of the company came up on stage and started talking in heavily American accented English. That was simply because he was American. Now, all employees dream about making it big in their company. They would like their name to be spoken every now and then. Well, on that day, it was surely spoken once. The big-man spoke the names of all those who had worked in his company for more than 3years and 5 years. Ok I appreciate that- but one slight problem. there were 120 names on that list!

To be continued.....

G for Girlfriend

The following are certified and well established facts of my life:

1) I did not have a girlfriend.
2) I do not have a girlfriend.
3) Now there will not be any future tense implications here.
4) In my (deranged) life, I came across 5 girls whom I genuinely believed, at that time, to be the perfect match for me.
5) Two months later (and in the special case-2 days later), I was made to comprehend and appreciate the true size of the hole that I had been digging for myself.
6) The last one, I guess, just forgot about my very existence.
7) Right now, I am actively debating the existence of my life partner.
8) All my close circle of friends are either committed or are making steady progress up the commitment ladder.

Now before I venture into unknown territory, I want to make myself very clear that I have nothing against any boy or girl already involved in a relationship. All of you have my heart-felt wishes.

The very concept of a girlfriend is mind boggling. At the same time it gives rise to these never-felt-before emotions and the 24 hour –desire to be with one’s girlfriend. It ruptures the very fabric of the age factor.
And speaking of age-no-barrier, a lot of things spring into my mind. Consider the following classification.
Now there are those people who have had their “First” girlfriend at the primitive age of 10! (Yes..the 2nd girl I was comprehending had her “first” boyfriend at that age).

And there is that bunch of people who have incessantly declared their resolution to remain the humble friend of solitude- only to have had their “First” by their mid teens.

Another faction of the crowd are those who get their first after having done some remarkable research into the psychology of the feminine. It is a different story altogether that they get their second faster than their first and the third faster than the second. The average “Coming of the First” age in this category usually varies from 18 to 21.

Then there are those who have their first – and put a period. End of story. A.K.A Marriage. This usually takes place above the “YO!” age.
=>24 upwards.

And then there is me.

Problem is: I do not know what I am feeling. I am repeatedly told that it is a great feeling. Yes I do experience bits of it now and then. And it feels good. But does it come at any price? And is it affordable? And more importantly, how do I get hold of it? But the more fundamental question I have to ask myself is: Do I need one?

Just the other day, I was going around on M G Road. The most recurring sights included a guy holding his girlfriend’s hand and having that “Oh I love you!” expression on his face. Not to mention a few doses of that “I got a girlfriend!” expression too, very distinctly displayed on his face.

Upon closer observation, one realizes that the relationship between the average MG Road boy and girl can be classified into one of the following:
1) "Truly in love"- ok, everybody actually believe that they ought to be classified under this. I know otherwise.
2) "I love you-but we may not last forever": these are the predominant kind. They also hold hands.
3) "You know we will break up anyday-but lets enjoy now": A.K.A Flirting. The less said about them, the better.
4) "Maybe someday we will be boyfriend-girlfriend": these are the hopefuls…. With full of colossal dreams, they step foot on the sacred footpaths of MG Road with their girls….hoping someday that they be classified under category 1.
5) "I am trying to make up": these can be seen in some real expensive place. It is understood that the girl is extracting the last bits of the benefits of the guy’s financial planning in return for a likely 2nd category classification.

So now I come back to my question. Do I really need a girlfriend?

The first half of my brain says “Yes boy! You do need someone to share some intimate moments with. You do need someone whom you can call at 2 in the morning and who will be happy to hear you speak.(Wonder if things to that magnitude actually take place in love…)You need someone with whom you can hold hands and walk on MG Road. And lastly you need a girlfriend because you can then claim your classification under category 1.”
The second half of my brain said “Yes. I agree with the first half.”

Guess I don’t have much of a choice now. But the consequential problem remains: How do I find one?
Unfortunately I do not have any categories to classify this into. This is simply because I haven’t gone around searching for one till now. And I don’t plan to change that fact. So basically it means that I shall not be making any effort to find one. And as a natural consequence, I shall still remain single (well, that’s what my orkut profile will exhibit to the whole world).

But then every now and then, I do feel that that extra someone may actually make a difference. Maybe that’s what needs to fill that void in me. Or, on the other hand, maybe not. Whatever be the case, I still do convince myself everyday that I am not missing anything. Or maybe that’s just the way I deny the things I am missing. So whenever I see a guy and his girlfriend sharing some intimate talks or moments, I remind myself of the song by Simon and Garfunkel. The name of the song is “I am a rock”. And some of the specific lines that I remind myself of are as follows:

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me

Don't talk of love
Well I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried

Like I said, maybe this is just a way of denying all the things that I am missing. Or maybe this is the way I am. But one thing I know for sure is that next time I see a boy and his girl, I will not make the effort to classify them…… simply because I don’t have the right to….