The Moratorium on Brains

Now this is something that really goes a long way describing the kind of world I am living in and the kind of world I want to live in. This took place just a few days back at my Fluid Mechanics lab.

Now my batch has got these 3 teachers for the lab course, all of whom are amateurs. No I am not trying to degrade them- not yet at least. Now to summarize the situation of the lab, it will be sufficient to say that there are not more than 3 people in the entire class who really know or have any desire of knowing what is going on exactly in the experiments. I have no qualms in stating that I am one of those 3 people. I do not consider it a crime to do the right thing or to be interested in the right things.

So here I am in the lab surrounded by people who are just waiting for the bell to ring so they can get out and lead whatever they choose to call as life during their free time. And I submit the experiment that I had conducted last week. While computing the value for the required parameter, I found that I had got a large difference in the values of the parameter found out graphically and analytically. And I had discovered that the reason was not some error in the reading or in the calculations. It was something more fundamental. It was in the very derivation of the formula. In the end, I realized that the vast difference was due to the assumption of a convenient value for the power of a certain other parameter. And I realized that whatever result I was getting through graph was not wrong in actuality. It was actually through the graph that one should interpret the result. At the time of me discovering this, I had a very memorable moment actually comprehending the beauty of the concept.

And so I let the values stay in the record book. And I submitted it to the instructors. And I had put in extra efforts to write the record. I hadn’t copied a single word. I made it as neat as I could do it. And in the end it came out quite well I should say. I was happy with myself when I gave that record.

And so after some time, the teacher calls me and asks me to explain the difference in the values. I begin with lots of enthusiasm. I really felt happy to narrate her the amazing experience I had when discovering the subtle concept. And to my shock, all the 3 teachers are just staring at me as if I am out of my senses and that i am somebody who cant understand the subject. I was trying to make them see the beauty of the situation. But all the response that I get is that I should have “manipulated” the graph to fit the values of the analytical results!

I quickly replied-“ Mam, I could have manipulated anytime and got the value of the analytical result. But I just left it as it is. I did not want to manipulate the readings.”

And then she reminds me that I had been asked to manipulate the readings in the graph on a previous occasion as well. I try to convince her that the very way the experiment is conducted is not right. But all I find is that I am talking to just some sort of human forms who have everything human except the ability to reason. I make an effort to help them see the situation as it was seen when the experiment was conducted 4 centuries ago and what the person tried to convey. I was trying to make them realize that the very purpose of a laboratory course was being defied. But the only response I could muster from them was that I was being asked to change the graph to fit the values.

And in the end it came down to authority and position. I was sidelined and was awarded 7 on 10. 7 on 10 while others who had copied the entire stuff they had written and had no clue about what was in it ended up getting 8 and above. And when I asked the teacher as to how come I was given fewer marks, all the 3 teachers could do was to give me that smile which very proudly declared that I was in a world which did not allow one to think by themselves. And that I was not expected to be any sort of exception. It was as if they were reminding me that I was not required to think by myself and instead that all I had to do was to just follow what has been taught till now even if it contradicted whatever some great man had found out centuries ago by thinking different from all the others around him.

And this is the kind of world that I am living in. And all I can see around me are more people who have realized that thinking is not required or those who are trying to make others realize that thinking independently is something not to be done in this world today.

And so from now on, I will do what is required to get whatever value I am supposed to get as per analytical formulae. It will kill me everytime I do it. But I will do it. Because you see, that is the only way of surviving in this world where reason has been deemed redundant. I might as well start copying everything that I write and I might end up getting the same marks, probably more. But I wont do it. Not because I don’t trust others( that is a fact, but that is not the reason). It is because what I write will not be of my own thought or of my own creation. It is someone else’s. And I don’t feed on someone else’s creation. Each creation is the triumph of that one person who made it happen.

And whatever I do is MINE. Irrespective of whether this world recognizes it or not. I had read a question in a book for which I have high regards. It asked: “Who is John Galt?” I ask something else.

Where is John Galt when you need him the most?

This whole blog is not meant to be understood by all those who read it. All those who read it and either cant understand it or are not able to appreciate the magnitude of the situation, have no purpose on this planet. It’s not that I don’t care what you think of me. It’s just that I don’t think of any of you.

My time will come. Then I will let all of you out there know what I mean by leading a life and what it means to actually live.

The Moratorium on Brains will not last forever

Requiem for the Past

A requiem is a funeral song and it is sung, well, during funerals. No, nobody I know of personally died or anything. But in one of my previous blog posts, I had mentioned that a formal funeral hadn’t yet taken place. Well, I guess it’s time had come. The funeral took place yesterday in the morning amidst really unusual circumstances.
I am talking about the funeral of my relationship with one of my one-time close friend. It wasn’t too hard on me. I guess that’s why I am not unduly worried or concerned about it. Anyway it all started two days back when this friend of mine gave me a missed call after like some 4 months. Four months during which no effort was made whatsoever on her part to call me or atleast give me a missed call so that I would call back. Nothing at all. And then all of a sudden, this girl calls out of nowhere and still expects me to call her back. Ok. I was really curious. So I called her back.
The conversation went on smoothly. She laughed a lot. It will be fair to say that I made her laugh. Six months back it would have meant something really special. But now, after 4 months of neglect, it didn’t make any difference at all. Nothing whatsoever. I was surprised myself. But come to think of it, the whole conversation as such didn’t seem to make any difference in anyway to me. It didn’t make me happy. It didn’t make me depressed, or angry or anything for that matter. I found out that I was experiencing the most basic form of human indifference. It just didn’t matter to me what she said or how she responded. After talking to her for well over an hour, I just went back to my books and started studying. It was as if nothing had ever taken place at all.
But I had told her about my blog. I gave her the address. So yesterday morning, when I was doing my drawing assignment, I get a message. It was from her and it said that she was reading my blog. And she messaged me that part I had written about her in “cleaning out my closet”. And she said she was deeply hurt and that no one had been this rude to her ever before. She said she wanted to cry but couldn’t as she was in a browsing center. She went on to say that it was not that people didn’t deserve me but that I didn’t deserve anyone. And she asked me to make that change in the blog.
She says that calling me the previous night was one of her biggest mistakes.( I still don’t know why she called me in the first place.) And so I reply saying that I had no problem in declaring that I was rid of all guilt because none of this was my mistake. I told her that she had no idea about how much pain she caused me. I told her that she had made no effort to even check whether I was dead or alive. And I asked her to ask herself honestly if she made any effort to contact me at all. The reply I got was that she didn’t want any more of my messages. She said that now she didn’t want to even know if I was alive or dead. And she said “bye”.
I guess there was nothing left to do but to say the same back to her. But I decided to do it in a more civilized way. So I just messaged saying that I did not have any guilt whatsoever. And that time had come indeed to part. I wished her all the best for her future and expressed my wish that she live her dreams. I told her that in case at any point of time, if she ever remembered me, then I requested her to remind herself of the better times that we had. And I bid her “bye” and told her to take care.
And that was it. Period.
I somehow liked to think of her whenever I listened to “Scarborough Fair” by Simon and Garfunkel. I am listening to it right now. But I am not thinking of her anymore. I guess she is now a thing of my past. It just didn’t make any difference to me at all when I came to know that I would not be talking to her anymore. I just looked at my mobile and then carried on with whatever I was doing.
I guess its just been another reason for me to sit in front of my computer and type a blog post. Nothing more. Well for all you know, even that is getting over. Soon there will be nothing to remind me of all those times. I guess, in the end, it just didn't make any difference.
Come to think of it in a much broader view, it looks like the past is just going away. Nothing of that dreadful past I had, seems to be around me anymore. Simply put, it is now time to sing. Sing a song. Sing a funeral song. For the funeral of my past.
The Requiem for my Past sings aloud. And ahead.
Here I come.

Aaaah!!

My college has not yet got the internet facilities to the hostel. And god damn it! I am really feeling handicapped! I cant blog. I cant do anything...!
This is a new kinda frustration!

Another chance...Another Semester.

That’s right. Here I am…all over again. This is my fifth take at this thing that we all call life. It has been more than 2 years now, since I had my first shot at this thing. And I have been having retakes every 4-5 months. Every semester I complete is like another 4 months down the drain. Every time I set out on my next semester I feel it is going to be different. I feel it is going to be better than my previous ones. But in the end, when my exams arrive, the only realization that comes into my head is that I am just 4 more months closer to my grave. The first thought that comes to my head at that time is that of shooting myself point blank with a 3-mm gun. But that is again just a thought which I can’t simply put into action. It is just that desire to escape reality that permits these thoughts into my head. And I seem to get that thought quite frequently nowadays.

It has without fail come to me every exam, every test, every quiz test, every assignment that I have copied, every class I have bunked, every day that I dint take bath, every Sunday that I got up late, every hour I wasted playing some or the other game on my computer, every day I dint do my spiritual duties, every week that I did not make an effort to call my parents, every unnecessary call that I made, every time I saw someone succeed and realize that I could have done a much better job than them, every time I plan for the week and don’t stick to it, every time I promise myself something and don’t live up to it, every time I look at the mobile phone and realize that just looking at it is not going to make it ring, every time some unknown person tells me that I don’t have anyone to talk to when I need to, every time I look at my Mridangam and remember that I haven’t been playing it since quite some time, every time I finish watching a movie and realize that I wont be studying that much time I had promised myself I would at the start of that movie, every time my results come out of any test that I have attended and realize that I am saved because a majority of the class is worse than me, every time I meet my Professor, whom I treat as God , and he tells me that I am one of those really gifted people who are hard to find these days, every time that I have to tell my results to my parents, in fact, every time I speak to my parents and they ask me how I am studying, every time I think that I deserve someone special in my life, every time I let my clothes unwashed for a long time, every time a lecturer asks a question in the class and either I don’t know the answer or someone else answers it, every time I think of what I wanted to be and every time I think of what I am.

“ ….that it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.

….and the fault is my own and the fault is my own…”

So says a popular song. I cant agree more in my present situation.

I have big dreams. Not of having in my possessions a lot of materialistic things. But of a more fulfilling desire. A desire to see myself succeed – succeed big in what I always wanted to do. There is no greater pleasure and satisfaction in life than making something big happen- all just because of your effort. And that is my ultimate goal. And it cant be done in one night or in a year. But it can surely be done within the span of my life.

It feels very good to think about all the things one can actually accomplish. And it is an even greater feeling when one actually achieves them. But what does one do when one doesn’t have the faith arising due to past success? But instead has to bear the guilt of not doing what is required to do of him every damn day of his life?

You just do it.

Whoever gave that line must have just done it.

But again this is a new beginning for me. A new chance. A new semester. I will be leaving tomorrow night to my hostel. And what happens then onwards will be totally upto me. I have the freedom to make or break myself. I have a lot of plans for this semester.

“Plans that either come to nought

or half a page of scribbled lines…”

-“TIME” by Pink Floyd

I hope it doesn’t come to that. But yes I can still pull off something that I have put off for over two long miserable years. I had spoken of a phrase in one of my previous blogs that would be my identity soon. And I also said that I would not reveal it until I am worthy of it. I still stand by that. But for all those who have simply counted me off, I have nothing to say to all of you. For all the others, I say to you,

You were damn right.

Enough is Enough

Ok. This is it. I have had enough. I have spent enough time writing about girls than about myself. I guess it is indeed high time that I start living for myself than for anyone else. For those of u who have read the last entry, you will find that I have just been flushing out my past.

And rightly so. Past is indeed History. Period.

And so here I am. From now on the blogs will be more about me than anyone else.

Cleaning out my Closet

This is a very special post for me.

I have been having holidays for the past 2-3 months and so I have been staying at home all this while. So many things I had planned for these 3 months. I won’t say that nothing materialized at all. But I have been quite disappointed with myself about not being able to do all those things I had planned.

But these holidays have indeed been eventful for me. I started them by working on a project. Then of course came the FIFA World Cup. And so my biological clock was shifted forwards by about 5 hours. And I am still trying to readjust it. I really couldn’t do much during the World Cup. And so after the world cup was when things began happening.

I started working on something that I had newly discovered and was really happy about it. But again, I feel now that I could have done better. These being my holidays- I very well knew that I was capable of more. But anyway I did extract something out of it. And apart from that, I met most of my friends. I attended my High School reunion. And I organized my PU College friends’ reunion from St. Joseph’s. That just took place today.

I really had a great time talking about all the fun we had at Joseph’s those two years. Trust me. Those two years were simply the best of my life. I don’t think I can ever get back times like those two years. We relived every moment of those two years worth remembering. And it was great to see old friends not having changed. I will really miss those times.

And apart from meeting up with old friends, well, for those of you who have been reading my old posts, you will know that my holidays witnessed the return of someone special-after 8 years. Well, yes. She was indeed someone special to me and those 3 nights that I spoke to her for 5 hours each are something that I had never expected to happen. Those 3 nights gave me something that I had been too scared to even wish for. But I knew all the time that she had not come back to stay. It was only intended to be what it finally turned out to be. On the third night, I realized that that was the last time I would ever be talking to her. And today, we formally agreed that in order to maintain the sanctity of our relationship, we should not contact each other anymore- for the rest of our lives. And I was happy about it. So was she. And so it ended.

I also happened to get in touch with a few more special people from the past. Ok. I will be frank. Even these special people were girls. I don’t see any crime in that. These were the girls, with whom I used to talk to over the phone for hours together at some point of time or the other. And I was happy about it. But like all the others, none of them stayed for good. And so I contacted them through various means.

One of them was able to recognize me. And that’s it. There was no intention shown whatsoever to even mention that we had been close friends for a long time. Well, I guess that sort of required a finishing touch. So I sent her a message saying “Well we did have some good times. It was nice knowing you. Tata!” And so it ended.

One more “special” person was someone whom I had not contacted for over 3 months. Simply because she didn’t have the simple courtesy to give me even a missed call for over 3 months during which it was only me who was calling her. Ok…whatever. Now this female got recently placed in some not-so-big company. Last I heard she was still trying for her dream company. And she happened to let me know of her progress in her placements. Some very fine aspect cropped up in my messages which I guess was either misunderstood or was simply waited for as an excuse to end the relationship. Of course, no formal funeral has taken place till now. But I have this itching sensation that it is not too far away. Well, if this is the end, so be it.

And yes. There is one more of those “special” persons still to talk about. The fate of this special person’s relationship with me is now being decided as I type. Well she was someone I have known since I was 5 years old. Yes. You can say my childhood friend. And we got to know each other better in the later stages of high school and PUC and the later years. To state a fact, she is the one with whom I have spoken the most over the phone. And I used to talk to her for a long time even until as recent as December 2005. But then again I realized that it was only me who was calling. There was no effort whatsoever from her side to contact me in anyway. And that disappointed me quite a bit. So I stopped calling. Sometime now and then I used to call her. But I got no reply. And she never made one damn call to my phone all the while. And today it so happened that she messaged me out of nowhere asking me how I am. I reply casually. She thinks I am sarcastic. I can’t help it. So I have right now given her the choice whether she wants to continue to talk to me or not. And I am waiting for her reply. Yes this is happening as I type. Honestly speaking I don’t want to talk to her. All these past 6-7 months, I have learnt to live without her talks. I have changed. I really can’t change again. But the way I am sending the messages indicates to her that I would like to continue the friendship. But I have given her the final choice. And right now I am still waiting.

Well, I have now waited for over an hour and I have got no reply. So I shall not wait any longer. No. I am not going to announce the funeral of our friendship now. If anything actually develops regarding this matter, then I will let you know soon.

But come to think of it, it’s not just that a few people I knew are going away for good. Its that “I” am making them go away. It is that I have now come to the understanding that I had a past once. And that it was filled with a lot of people. And that not all stay. In fact, it is more apt to say that I should stay with people from the past those who are worthy of company.

And so for the past few weeks, I have been flushing out my past mistakes. I have been bidding goodbye to all those people in my life who do not deserve me. I have been cleansing myself of all the untold sins that I have committed. I have been throwing away all the unscrupulous elements of my past character. I have been looking forward for a new life.

In short, I guess I have just been cleaning out my closet. And now it is all devoid of any unwanted thing of my past. It’s in fact, full of new hopes and aspirations, the confidence that something can be done after all and that recurring phrase in my head. I won’t be telling what it is. It is something that I shall reveal only when I am worthy of it.

And now I am ready.

Bring It On.

What Happens....after 8 Years?

I had spoken about so much guilt. Yes, I still do not deny that I felt all those guilt. But what I am gonna tell you here is something different. Something that happened last night. Simply put, it was just too good to be true. But then, I guess, God sometimes bestows us all with some incredible things. I had not even dared to dream of it. But there I was, doing that very thing, living that very undreamt dream. Well, for all you know, it could have just been a dream. But it happened to be something more than that.

Something like this to follow after that miserable experience in reliving the worst phase of my life was beyond my ability to even dream. All that guilt has simply been replaced and superceded by the joy and satisfaction of having done that something I only desired so deep in myself that I was too scared to think of it- lest it not come true.

What do you feel when you realize that you have lost something and for 8 years you keep wondering whether there is even the slimmest hope that it will come back? What do you feel when it comes back after 8 years? What do you feel when you suddenly realize you are living your deepest desire that you have been secretly nurturing for over 8 years? What do you feel when you know that this is going to be the last time this is going to take place?

Walking Again

It’s really funny. I will tell you some facts. For the past 1-2 years, I have had many intimate relationships with girls. As is my policy, I shall not be taking up names. I had been alone for over 18 years. I do not have any brother or sister. I am the only son to my parents. And I was alone. My only outlet to social life was the telephone. And I used it like it was one more metabolic process necessary for my survival. I used to speak for hours together every damn day. And to be frank, most of my long conversations have been with girls. I have had more girls as close friends than boys. Now that being the case, my only outlet to an intimate relationship was the phone. And then, I went to a hostel at the age of 18.

There I was surrounded by people of my age all round the clock. At any given point of time, I had atleast ten people around me. But with so many around me all the time, I was still ALONE. Yes. That’s the fact. And so my outlet to intimacy was again my mobile phone. And yes, in the initial stages, I felt handicapped that I could not talk to anyone. And then, god gave me a solution in the form of my very old school friend. I still cant believe how I would have survived there in my right senses if it hadn’t been for her.

But then you see, nothing lasts forever. Things fade. When that someone comes into your life, I guess you tend to forget and ignore all those who have been with you all the while. Well, at least that’s what happened to her. And I was left alone again. It was that handicapped time again for me. But then God again sent someone else this time.

And I was happy talking to her. I was really happy talking to her. I used to talk to her like crazy. Even at 1:30 in the night we chatted on more than one occasion. And I was happy. I even got thoughts that this relationship might go further. So I promised something. Only thing, I was not able to fulfil it. This strained the relationship. And even though we started talking again, I knew somehow things wont be the same. And they are not. We hardly talk anymore. And I was handicapped again.

And so with this background imagine what happens when something returns after 8 years that gets me walking again? Again, simply put, it’s a dream come true.

I just want to thank that person who has made such a big difference I my life. THANKS A LOT.

And Nothing Else Matters....

Just last night I decided to do something queer. I just thought –“Ok. So lets see what are the things or who are the people without whom I really cant survive.” I wanted to know, in a practical way, as to who or what I was in actual need of to lead my life. I was a little apprehensive about going about this. Why? Well simply because I would sort of tell myself the naked truth as to whom or what I truly like and at the same time, I would know who all or what all doesn’t make a difference to me. And trust me: I really had a hard experience.

First I set out on the things that I couldn’t really live without. Well apart from the daily necessities of life that I am inevitably forced to use, I did find a few things I couldn’t live without.

First of all, my books. Books- of all kinds. My academics reference books, or be it my novels, my motivational books, all those books on World War 2, or those text books I have always loathed, all those spiritual books, books that I wrote myself-I am referring to my diaries-, or be it all those used and worn out notebooks that I once used long back. I just cant live without them. I need them every hour of the day. Without them, whatever dreams I have won’t be fulfilled in anyway.

And come to think of it, I really had a hard a time to find out something else that I really needed to survive. What answer I got was definitely surprising. In fact some people would laugh at it. The only other thing that I can’t live without is Pink Floyd. Pink Floyd simply filled in that void I had in me a few years back. Every time I heard “Time”, I would just be reminded of all those days gone by wherein all I did was nothing but waste time. I still do. But those lyrics, that lead guitar piece, that retro sound recording….it all just helps me put things in the right perspective. I can keep on talking about all the other songs as well…but that would take up a lot more time and space than what I want to write here.

So that was it: the only two things that I couldn’t live without were my books and Pink Floyd. Nothing else at all.

And then I came to all those people without whom I couldn’t live. I started thinking. Ok kept on thinking. Ok : my parents surely. I have literally been brought up by them. More about them later.

Ok so who else? Of course, my close friend! No names on the blog. So u won’t know who I am talking about. I met this guy about 5 years back. Since then, I couldn’t help but like his company. Today he knows me inside out. And even I know him inside out. And he happens to be the only person who continued to call me when I was in my hostel. Those were tough times for me. I used to stare at the mobile for about an hour hoping that it would ring. It simply never did-apart from his phone calls. So to whoever is reading this, and know that they should have called me and didn’t, well I just have one thing to say: “ None of you people deserve me. I am not made to be someone who knows any of you closely. I deserve people a lot better than you”

Well so apart from my parents and my close friend, I have one more close friend…we have been traveling on the same seas on the same path, but not on the same boat. Our destinations are the same. But our vehicles changed sometime back. But still he is one of the very few guys I have met who think straight, believing that doing the right thing is right. Surely he has made a big difference to me.

Well so there u go. 4 people, two things…end of story.

But only then, I came to realize that the story had just begun.

In my next blog maybe, I will tell you what I meant by the story had just begun.

Perfect Strangers

Something happened two days back.

Something had returned a few months back. And I was happy. I was really happy. It had always been my dream since it had ended on that fateful august night 7 years back. It had turned me mad. It took me a lot of time to come back my senses. Then after I came back to my senses, I was occupied with a lot other things. Couldn’t spare much time about something long gone.

But how was I to know that someday, some guy working in Google would come up with a concept under his own name that would literally sweep my world away? And so came Orkut. And the first day I came on Orkut, I knew what I was searching for.

And I found it. That was a few months back. Things went on smoothly. And I was really happy. Until two days back. I was made to relive each and every moment of the worst days of my life. All those foolish and insane choices that I made long then that led to that august night. I had to relive all that guilt. Guilt not that I caused hurt to someone. But guilt which showed me just how horrible I could be. Guilt that said- I am bad. Something that made me loose whatever self esteem I had built up over the years. That guilt made me feel bad about myself. And I didn’t like it. Nobody does.

It was really hard on me. A few months back, I had thought the whole past was dead and buried. I thought it was all history. But it was to come and haunt me again. And I don’t want that to happen again. And I am in a dilemma as to what I have to do to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

Do I just stop contacting? Or should I give it some more time? For the first time I was contacted on my mobile phone. So what? Nothing much. Just that not many do so.

I still remember I had thought that we would remain as nothing more than perfect strangers. But then it had changed. And now I guess it will go back to just that- Perfect Strangers.