Cleaning out my Closet

This is a very special post for me.

I have been having holidays for the past 2-3 months and so I have been staying at home all this while. So many things I had planned for these 3 months. I won’t say that nothing materialized at all. But I have been quite disappointed with myself about not being able to do all those things I had planned.

But these holidays have indeed been eventful for me. I started them by working on a project. Then of course came the FIFA World Cup. And so my biological clock was shifted forwards by about 5 hours. And I am still trying to readjust it. I really couldn’t do much during the World Cup. And so after the world cup was when things began happening.

I started working on something that I had newly discovered and was really happy about it. But again, I feel now that I could have done better. These being my holidays- I very well knew that I was capable of more. But anyway I did extract something out of it. And apart from that, I met most of my friends. I attended my High School reunion. And I organized my PU College friends’ reunion from St. Joseph’s. That just took place today.

I really had a great time talking about all the fun we had at Joseph’s those two years. Trust me. Those two years were simply the best of my life. I don’t think I can ever get back times like those two years. We relived every moment of those two years worth remembering. And it was great to see old friends not having changed. I will really miss those times.

And apart from meeting up with old friends, well, for those of you who have been reading my old posts, you will know that my holidays witnessed the return of someone special-after 8 years. Well, yes. She was indeed someone special to me and those 3 nights that I spoke to her for 5 hours each are something that I had never expected to happen. Those 3 nights gave me something that I had been too scared to even wish for. But I knew all the time that she had not come back to stay. It was only intended to be what it finally turned out to be. On the third night, I realized that that was the last time I would ever be talking to her. And today, we formally agreed that in order to maintain the sanctity of our relationship, we should not contact each other anymore- for the rest of our lives. And I was happy about it. So was she. And so it ended.

I also happened to get in touch with a few more special people from the past. Ok. I will be frank. Even these special people were girls. I don’t see any crime in that. These were the girls, with whom I used to talk to over the phone for hours together at some point of time or the other. And I was happy about it. But like all the others, none of them stayed for good. And so I contacted them through various means.

One of them was able to recognize me. And that’s it. There was no intention shown whatsoever to even mention that we had been close friends for a long time. Well, I guess that sort of required a finishing touch. So I sent her a message saying “Well we did have some good times. It was nice knowing you. Tata!” And so it ended.

One more “special” person was someone whom I had not contacted for over 3 months. Simply because she didn’t have the simple courtesy to give me even a missed call for over 3 months during which it was only me who was calling her. Ok…whatever. Now this female got recently placed in some not-so-big company. Last I heard she was still trying for her dream company. And she happened to let me know of her progress in her placements. Some very fine aspect cropped up in my messages which I guess was either misunderstood or was simply waited for as an excuse to end the relationship. Of course, no formal funeral has taken place till now. But I have this itching sensation that it is not too far away. Well, if this is the end, so be it.

And yes. There is one more of those “special” persons still to talk about. The fate of this special person’s relationship with me is now being decided as I type. Well she was someone I have known since I was 5 years old. Yes. You can say my childhood friend. And we got to know each other better in the later stages of high school and PUC and the later years. To state a fact, she is the one with whom I have spoken the most over the phone. And I used to talk to her for a long time even until as recent as December 2005. But then again I realized that it was only me who was calling. There was no effort whatsoever from her side to contact me in anyway. And that disappointed me quite a bit. So I stopped calling. Sometime now and then I used to call her. But I got no reply. And she never made one damn call to my phone all the while. And today it so happened that she messaged me out of nowhere asking me how I am. I reply casually. She thinks I am sarcastic. I can’t help it. So I have right now given her the choice whether she wants to continue to talk to me or not. And I am waiting for her reply. Yes this is happening as I type. Honestly speaking I don’t want to talk to her. All these past 6-7 months, I have learnt to live without her talks. I have changed. I really can’t change again. But the way I am sending the messages indicates to her that I would like to continue the friendship. But I have given her the final choice. And right now I am still waiting.

Well, I have now waited for over an hour and I have got no reply. So I shall not wait any longer. No. I am not going to announce the funeral of our friendship now. If anything actually develops regarding this matter, then I will let you know soon.

But come to think of it, it’s not just that a few people I knew are going away for good. Its that “I” am making them go away. It is that I have now come to the understanding that I had a past once. And that it was filled with a lot of people. And that not all stay. In fact, it is more apt to say that I should stay with people from the past those who are worthy of company.

And so for the past few weeks, I have been flushing out my past mistakes. I have been bidding goodbye to all those people in my life who do not deserve me. I have been cleansing myself of all the untold sins that I have committed. I have been throwing away all the unscrupulous elements of my past character. I have been looking forward for a new life.

In short, I guess I have just been cleaning out my closet. And now it is all devoid of any unwanted thing of my past. It’s in fact, full of new hopes and aspirations, the confidence that something can be done after all and that recurring phrase in my head. I won’t be telling what it is. It is something that I shall reveal only when I am worthy of it.

And now I am ready.

Bring It On.

What Happens....after 8 Years?

I had spoken about so much guilt. Yes, I still do not deny that I felt all those guilt. But what I am gonna tell you here is something different. Something that happened last night. Simply put, it was just too good to be true. But then, I guess, God sometimes bestows us all with some incredible things. I had not even dared to dream of it. But there I was, doing that very thing, living that very undreamt dream. Well, for all you know, it could have just been a dream. But it happened to be something more than that.

Something like this to follow after that miserable experience in reliving the worst phase of my life was beyond my ability to even dream. All that guilt has simply been replaced and superceded by the joy and satisfaction of having done that something I only desired so deep in myself that I was too scared to think of it- lest it not come true.

What do you feel when you realize that you have lost something and for 8 years you keep wondering whether there is even the slimmest hope that it will come back? What do you feel when it comes back after 8 years? What do you feel when you suddenly realize you are living your deepest desire that you have been secretly nurturing for over 8 years? What do you feel when you know that this is going to be the last time this is going to take place?

Walking Again

It’s really funny. I will tell you some facts. For the past 1-2 years, I have had many intimate relationships with girls. As is my policy, I shall not be taking up names. I had been alone for over 18 years. I do not have any brother or sister. I am the only son to my parents. And I was alone. My only outlet to social life was the telephone. And I used it like it was one more metabolic process necessary for my survival. I used to speak for hours together every damn day. And to be frank, most of my long conversations have been with girls. I have had more girls as close friends than boys. Now that being the case, my only outlet to an intimate relationship was the phone. And then, I went to a hostel at the age of 18.

There I was surrounded by people of my age all round the clock. At any given point of time, I had atleast ten people around me. But with so many around me all the time, I was still ALONE. Yes. That’s the fact. And so my outlet to intimacy was again my mobile phone. And yes, in the initial stages, I felt handicapped that I could not talk to anyone. And then, god gave me a solution in the form of my very old school friend. I still cant believe how I would have survived there in my right senses if it hadn’t been for her.

But then you see, nothing lasts forever. Things fade. When that someone comes into your life, I guess you tend to forget and ignore all those who have been with you all the while. Well, at least that’s what happened to her. And I was left alone again. It was that handicapped time again for me. But then God again sent someone else this time.

And I was happy talking to her. I was really happy talking to her. I used to talk to her like crazy. Even at 1:30 in the night we chatted on more than one occasion. And I was happy. I even got thoughts that this relationship might go further. So I promised something. Only thing, I was not able to fulfil it. This strained the relationship. And even though we started talking again, I knew somehow things wont be the same. And they are not. We hardly talk anymore. And I was handicapped again.

And so with this background imagine what happens when something returns after 8 years that gets me walking again? Again, simply put, it’s a dream come true.

I just want to thank that person who has made such a big difference I my life. THANKS A LOT.

And Nothing Else Matters....

Just last night I decided to do something queer. I just thought –“Ok. So lets see what are the things or who are the people without whom I really cant survive.” I wanted to know, in a practical way, as to who or what I was in actual need of to lead my life. I was a little apprehensive about going about this. Why? Well simply because I would sort of tell myself the naked truth as to whom or what I truly like and at the same time, I would know who all or what all doesn’t make a difference to me. And trust me: I really had a hard experience.

First I set out on the things that I couldn’t really live without. Well apart from the daily necessities of life that I am inevitably forced to use, I did find a few things I couldn’t live without.

First of all, my books. Books- of all kinds. My academics reference books, or be it my novels, my motivational books, all those books on World War 2, or those text books I have always loathed, all those spiritual books, books that I wrote myself-I am referring to my diaries-, or be it all those used and worn out notebooks that I once used long back. I just cant live without them. I need them every hour of the day. Without them, whatever dreams I have won’t be fulfilled in anyway.

And come to think of it, I really had a hard a time to find out something else that I really needed to survive. What answer I got was definitely surprising. In fact some people would laugh at it. The only other thing that I can’t live without is Pink Floyd. Pink Floyd simply filled in that void I had in me a few years back. Every time I heard “Time”, I would just be reminded of all those days gone by wherein all I did was nothing but waste time. I still do. But those lyrics, that lead guitar piece, that retro sound recording….it all just helps me put things in the right perspective. I can keep on talking about all the other songs as well…but that would take up a lot more time and space than what I want to write here.

So that was it: the only two things that I couldn’t live without were my books and Pink Floyd. Nothing else at all.

And then I came to all those people without whom I couldn’t live. I started thinking. Ok kept on thinking. Ok : my parents surely. I have literally been brought up by them. More about them later.

Ok so who else? Of course, my close friend! No names on the blog. So u won’t know who I am talking about. I met this guy about 5 years back. Since then, I couldn’t help but like his company. Today he knows me inside out. And even I know him inside out. And he happens to be the only person who continued to call me when I was in my hostel. Those were tough times for me. I used to stare at the mobile for about an hour hoping that it would ring. It simply never did-apart from his phone calls. So to whoever is reading this, and know that they should have called me and didn’t, well I just have one thing to say: “ None of you people deserve me. I am not made to be someone who knows any of you closely. I deserve people a lot better than you”

Well so apart from my parents and my close friend, I have one more close friend…we have been traveling on the same seas on the same path, but not on the same boat. Our destinations are the same. But our vehicles changed sometime back. But still he is one of the very few guys I have met who think straight, believing that doing the right thing is right. Surely he has made a big difference to me.

Well so there u go. 4 people, two things…end of story.

But only then, I came to realize that the story had just begun.

In my next blog maybe, I will tell you what I meant by the story had just begun.

Perfect Strangers

Something happened two days back.

Something had returned a few months back. And I was happy. I was really happy. It had always been my dream since it had ended on that fateful august night 7 years back. It had turned me mad. It took me a lot of time to come back my senses. Then after I came back to my senses, I was occupied with a lot other things. Couldn’t spare much time about something long gone.

But how was I to know that someday, some guy working in Google would come up with a concept under his own name that would literally sweep my world away? And so came Orkut. And the first day I came on Orkut, I knew what I was searching for.

And I found it. That was a few months back. Things went on smoothly. And I was really happy. Until two days back. I was made to relive each and every moment of the worst days of my life. All those foolish and insane choices that I made long then that led to that august night. I had to relive all that guilt. Guilt not that I caused hurt to someone. But guilt which showed me just how horrible I could be. Guilt that said- I am bad. Something that made me loose whatever self esteem I had built up over the years. That guilt made me feel bad about myself. And I didn’t like it. Nobody does.

It was really hard on me. A few months back, I had thought the whole past was dead and buried. I thought it was all history. But it was to come and haunt me again. And I don’t want that to happen again. And I am in a dilemma as to what I have to do to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

Do I just stop contacting? Or should I give it some more time? For the first time I was contacted on my mobile phone. So what? Nothing much. Just that not many do so.

I still remember I had thought that we would remain as nothing more than perfect strangers. But then it had changed. And now I guess it will go back to just that- Perfect Strangers.